Dear Mexican: My cousin had put a picture on Facebook that said, “I will not be forced to learn a foreign language to accommodate illegals in my country.” He’s Mexican-American. Our family is from La Luz, Zacatecas, and its surrounding villages. His dad (my uncle) was born here in El Paso, Texas. His mom jumped in the conversation and backed him up. His parents are divorced. How do I politely tell them they are wrong with their way of thinking?

Prepared to Punch a Pinche Pocho Primo

Dear Wab: Sorry, cabrón, but you’re just not going to win this battle. As much as I and other Chicano yaktivists would love it that everyone of Mexican descent in this country were a card-carrying member of the Reconquista complete with Nahuatl names and a Frida-filled house, that’s just not going to happen. As I’ve explained muchos times before, the great thing about this country is how it can turn the descendents of even the biggest wab into an anti-immigrant loon by the second generation (see: Marco Rubio) and even by the first (see: my parents). The best you can tell your cousin is remind him that your grandparents came to this country to find a better life, not to talk trash on those less fortunate than them—but, again, it’s a losing battle that goes contrary to the American immigrant experience, which sees the previous generation of immigrants spit on newcomers as if they were a spittoon. So can I suggest something revolutionary, instead? Leave your primo to his opinions. Let him be a prieto Know Nothing. You be the conscious cousin, and let him be the pocho one—trust me, you’ll get all the hot second cousins at the family pachangas, while he’ll be condemned to be the Tio Taco of El Paso.

You explain the etymology of words so well! Please enlighten your readers with the explanation of the word prieto, as opposed to moreno.

La Que le Gustan los Morenos

Dear She Who Likes Brown-Skinned Men: Prieto is derived from apretar (“press”), from the Late Latin appectorâre (“to press against one’s chest“), but in Mexico it denotes a dark hue, one veering on blackness. Moreno, on the other hand, comes from moro, the Spanish word for Moor, and usually signifies a dark brown—you know, like a Moor! (How we got prieto to mean “blackish” from its pressing roots escapes me). But these are general definitions, as their meaning shifts across the color prism depending on who’s talking and what century. In the present day, prieto is usually reserved as a term for parents to describe their darkest-skinned kid, a description as injurious to a young soul as calling them “tubby” or “Newt Gingrich.”

CONFIDENTIAL TO: Vickie Carr. I’ve received autographed books by legendary playwright David Mamet, was able to interview Louie Perez and David Hidalgo of Los Lobos in front of a live audience in Oakland, have had Cheech Marin enthusiastically shake my hand and proclaim himself a fan—the celebrity readers of this columna and their generosity toward me knows no bounds. But to get an autographed glossy photo of you thanking me for my work? You’ve made this hombre blush enough to last the year. Gracias for the kind words, and for being such a great role model for our community. ¡Eres chingona!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: It’s so sad to see your wimpy answers. Your replies scream self-hatred and self-shame for your raza. You’re pathetic! No plan or desire to fix Mexico’s problems. You’re a puto with no huevos. My DREAM Act would be that you Mexicans would stop groveling to gringos, and scream about fixing Mexico, like WHITE PEOPLE did against the Iron Curtain thing. ONLY THEN will your Mexican self-shaming and self-hatred of your un-macho, puto, groveling raza change to real pride, which you know you deserve, like gringos got about America.

Groveling is Puto Stuff

Dear Gabacho: Groveling? Chulo, this is the only column in the country that refers to gabachos as gabachos instead of the candy-ass “gringo” like your gabacho ass uses. No desire to fix Mexico? What’s billions of dollars of remittances, then—or the Reconquista, for that matter? Or those marches of millions rallying for amnesty? That’s a movement as epic as Solidarity or glasnot (and last I checked, a chingo of Eastern Bloc refugees worked from los Estados Unidos to liberate their homelands). Pride for America? All I hear from Know Nothings is how horrible the U.S. is, yet they do nothing to improve it other than rant—they sound just like Mexicans used to until we started doing instead of crying. Self-hatred and self-shame? The only thing this Mexican is ashamed of is his panza—and even then, it’s a panza more glorious in its contentment and fire than any gabacho panza can ever hope to attain. Huevos that, pendejo.

Cada día me and my perro Manchas go for an afternoon walk in this North Denver parque. We often pass the gringo gentry who are temporarily “improving” the neighborhood as an investment. You know how the gentry are—they move into the barrio but send their precious güeritos to the charter schools so they won’t get piojos from our kids or wind up pregnant with half-brown babies. Anyway, I swear, every time me and Manchas pass one of these purebred, hyper-trained gentry dogs, the owners pull their pinches perros away from mine so they can’t sniff cola or . . . you know. He’s a “purebred” Australian Cattle Dog (simón, a canine mestizo) and came off a reservation. But I bathe him once a year, brush him daily—más o menos—and he doesn’t even have piojos. Me, either.

I guess my queston is: how can the gentry know that he’s Spanish- surnamed, bilingual and mestizo, since they’ve even never talked to us? And is there anything I can do so Manchas doesn’t grow up with a pocho complex and think he’s inferior to a gringo’s dog?

Yankee Hipsters Go Home!

Dear Wab: Gotta pay our respect to our veteranos—they can ramble as awesomely as any gabacho at a retirement home! I think what you’re complaining about is the gentrification of historically Mexican neighborhoods by hipsters, a phenomenon happening everywhere from Denver to Los Angeles, SanTana to Chicago and beyond. It’s important to fight the encroachment of pendejos with no ties to the area who start demanding changes—get rid of quinceañera shops, of crowing roosters, of cars parked on lawns or corn grown in the backyard and nopales in the front. At the mismo time, though, raza really angry with gentrification should practice gente-fication, the process of young locals getting over their pocho complex opening their own businesses to pump enough money back into the area so that city bureaucrats don’t have any excuse to use the ruse of redevelopment on raza. Think of that strategy as our economic Mexican-American War—and if there are hipsters who are respectful of the old guard, like the San Patricios that joined our side against the invading Yankees so long ago, then I say embrace their ranks, pound a PBR with them, and teach them the secrets of scaring insufferable hipsters away from the barrio by blasting Banda El Recodo at all hours of the noche.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL MORMON EDICIÓN

Dear Readers: I usually save reruns of my columna for when I have to smuggle in the latest cousin from the rancho, but the ascendancy of Republic presidential candidate Mitt Romney must be addressed—namely, that he’s half-Mexican. The lamestream media is treating this as a revelation—never mind that I addressed this issue during the last presidential campaign. Not only that, many voters fear Romney’s Mormon faith. Pendejos: that’s the least-scary part of the Romney agenda. So, sin further ado, here’s my PSA for Mitt to clear up any confusion—hope you don’t win, but I’ll expect the ambassadorship to Guatemala for this service if my candidate Alfred E. Neuman doesn’t triumph, cabrón.

Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6, “There shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord.” I want as many Mexicans in this country as possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come on down—you are welcome by me.

Love My Brown Brothers

Dear Gabacho: Gracias for your welcoming heart, even if your ulterior motive is stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin of Guadalupe for a religion in which Jell-O is the only allowable narcotic. While we’re talking about Moroni worshipers, can you do me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why he’s such an ingrate toward Mexicans? After all, Romney probably would’ve been some Jack Mormon jerk-off if it weren’t for porous fronteras and living in violation of a country’s laws. His great-grandfather Miles Park Romney fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while Mitt’s papi, George, was born in Chihuahua and therefore is more Mexican than your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa’s troops were kind enough to not massacre Mormon colonies during the Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to return home and ensure Mitt’s Brilliantined hair would grace America. One final point, Brown Brothers: por favor, tell Mitt and all other Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for illegals. The above quote you cited came from the Second Book of Nephi and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it? 2 Nephi 1:5 tells the Saints that Lehi prophesied about America, “Yea, the Lord hath covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord.” Here that, Mitt? Let my gente go—into the United States for the free health care, por supuesto.

I heard Mormonism is a quickly spreading religion down in ye olde Mexico. What is it about this religion that a lot of Mexicans find so fascinating?

Jack Mormón

DEAR Gabacho: Historically? Mexico has long had the second-largest community of Mormons in the world after the United States—official LDS figures estimate 1.2 million members live in Mexico, a significant increase from the 783,000 estimated in 1999. This community has existed for almost 135 years, created after polygamous Mormons who wanted to keep their multiple wives moved down south because, hey, anything goes down Mexico way, right? Sociologically? Mormons are masters of proselytizing—the increase in numbers “shows that a church group can produce a short-term phenomenal growth rate by committing resources to missionary activity,” according to Professor James W. Dow in his 2003 scholarly paper “The Growth of Protestant Religions In Mexico and Central America.” Theologically? My understanding of Mormonism is that it places an emphasis on the family, encourages couples to have as many children as possible, stresses the dominion of the husband over the family and hates homosexuals. If those attributes aren’t appealing to Mexicans, then I’m Moroni himself.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

 By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: How come Mexicans don’t perform in the Winter Olympics? What—no talent? Or are Mexicans afraid of snow? I’m thinking both. Also, Mexicans don’t do too well in the Summer Olympics, either—they even suck in soccer. There is plenty of snow in Mexico, so don’t use that excuse.

Dumber, Stupider, Pendejo-er

Dear Gabacho: Lies, all lies. Mexico did participate in the 2010 Winter Olympics, in the form of some fresa Alpine skier named Hubertus von Hohenlohe, who got worldwide attention because—chingao!—he was a Mexican in the Winter Olympics. Sure, Mexico is no Norway and does have snow, but take a look at the map of the world, find the countries sharing Mexico’s latitude, and you’ll see few, if any of them participate in the Winter Olympics, let alone medal. As for the summer Olympics, Mexico had as many medalists—three—as India, and as many gold medals (two) as Argentina and Cuba, two Latin American countries that spend muchos pesos on their Olympic programs. Why the relative subpar showings? The answer is in this joke: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all the people who could run, jump, and swim are already in the United States.

I’m a white American woman. My ex-boyfriend (who I have a son by) refuses to acknowledge any of his Mexican heritage. He was born in Los Angeles, his mother in Texas, his father in Ohio, and his grandparents in Mexico. His parents both speak Spanish but mostly choose to use English; meanwhile I know more Spanish (which isn’t very much) than my ex! He acts as if Mexicans are stupid and not worthy of being any part of him. My son is blessed with a tan all year round, dark brown eyes and dark coarse hair, yet I’m the one who sees the beauty in this, not his father. He has said proudly that he wishes he would have a child with light hair and blue eyes. How could he be so self-hating, when he made such a beautiful child? I’m concerned that my son will grow up denying this very important part of him, all because his father has a distorted self-image. What can I do to make sure my son accepts himself and embraces what he partially came from?

REAL Mexican-Loving Gabacha

Dear Gabacha: Self-hate has always played a role in the Mexican psyche (read the works of Nobel laureate Octavio Paz for classical insight)—but that doesn’t mean your hijo needs to fall into that vicious cycle. Not sure of your arrangement with your pendejo of an ex (dual custody? Visitation rights? Itinerant?), but the important thing for you to do is inculcate your son with Mexican culture. Sing him the songs of Cri-Cri, the Mexican version of Doctor Seuss. Have him watch Dora the Explorer, and that other show with her Diego sidekick, whoever the hell he is. Indulge hi with Sesame Street, which has been loving Mexican culture ever since Linda Ronstadt sang ranchera classics with a Muppet mariachi, as iconic a cultural validation moment for my generation of Mexicans as the Supremes singing at the Copacabana. Graduate him into age-appropriate material (modern-day Mexican music, sexycomedias, Sabado Gigante) when applicable. And tell your ex to man up—just because he’s a self-hating Mexican, just because he got shit from his generation of playground racists, doesn’t mean he has to ruin it for his morenito. It’s the 21st Reconquista century, for chrissakes, not the era of the castas.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: In my hometown of Playa Larga (Long Beach, California), natives refer to a major avenida in our villa, Junipero Avenue (named for Father Junipero Serra, accused native genocider, a candidate for sainthood—but I digress) as Juan-a-pear-o. There is no “Juan” in Junipero, but that’s how everyone in this town pronounces it. People who reside on the street, real estate agents, residents, business owners—I even heard a former mayor pronounce it that way. Why do white Americans (and even some Guatemalan-Americans) bend over backwards to pronounce Junipero as Juan-a-pear-o to sound like they know how to pronounce it like a Spanish speaker, yet it is the most garbled malapropism of the word (should be pronounced ‘hoo-NEE-pear-o’)?

Hombre Blanco de Playa Larga

Dear Gabacho from Long Beach: Gotta say that in my lifetime of living in Southern California, I’ve never heard nadie pronounce Junipero like you say people mispronounce it—the malapropism I hear is “June-IH-pear-oh,” a fascinating medley of the proper accent placement on the third-to-last syllable in Junípero’s Spanish incarnation and a rigid following of English grammatical structure. Thus is the wonderful world of the grammatical gabacho colonizing of the American Southwest, where Yankees decided to keep many of the original Spanish names of territories, cities and geographical landmarks but Anglicize them— “Tex-as” instead of Teh-haas,” “Loss An-ju-less” instead of “Loce AHNG-heh-less,” or “A-ri-zone-ah” instead of “Hell-on-Earth” (okay, in fairness to the Sonora dog, just the parts of the state where Arpayaso and Brewer roam). Custodians of Cervantes, of course, cringe at gabachos mongrelization of Spanish-language place names, and that’s a beautiful thing: remember that one of the few cardinal rules of this columna is that language is fluid, and anyone who tries to box it in or gets their chonis in a bunch about it as deluded as Rick Santorum.

Why is every overweight, tattooed, goateed, bead-wearing, late-model-Tahoe-driving, non-educated enchilada in Texas a University of Texas fan? Why not A&M or Tech? Or Baylor (that’s obvious)? And one more thing: Please stop becoming belligerently drunk and taking it personal when the team on your Wal-Mart 3XL T-shirt loses. You have no personal ties with the team, so quit throwing up gang signs and using profanity in an atmosphere that’s meant to be fun. The drunk 19-year-old college kid means no harm when he screams, “Boomer!” so grow up and get a life.

Frustrated Educated Okie

Dear Gabacho: “Enchilada” as a slur against Mexicans? The 1950s called—they want their ethnic insult back. As for the fan question: same reason no one outside of Oklahoma gives a shit about the Sooners. Subway alumni like winners in football, and the Longhorns are the epitome of a winning program in the Lone Star State, while the Aggies, Red Raiders, UTEP Miners, Texas Christian University, the University of Houston, and Texas’ many other college football programs haven’t exhibited such gridiron dominance over the years. The Soooners haven’t dominated college football since the days of Barry Switzer—you really expect non-Okies to give a damn about a third-rate university that just played in something called the Insight Bowl? By the way, your Baylor dig is lost on me. Because Baylor is a private university? USC (the Trojans USC, not the Gamecocks one) is private and has more than a few wab alumni. Typical Sooner solipsism—but what else can we expect from a university that named itself after invading illegals? Go Cowboys (both the Dallas and Oklahoma State variants)!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL BEST-OF EDITION

Dear Mexican: Thirteen years old, and I’m jacking off, not knowing I left the bathroom door ajar. Just as I blasted onto the shower curtain, my mom walked in. Aghast, she shouted, “¡Cochino, te vas hacer ciego y se te va enchocar el pito!” (“You pig! You’re going to go blind, and your dick will get crooked!”) Scared the hell out of me, and I stopped choking the chicken for at least a month. Is the threat of going blind from jerking off purely a Mexican belief, or is it universal? Gracias a Diós por laser eye surgery.

Pito Chueco

Dear Crooked Dick: All American boys have pickle-pulling hang-ups, but Mexican chavos suffer doubly gracias to two anti-masturbation schools of thought: the Puritan view that monkey-spanking is dirty because it leads to pleasure, and the Catholic insistence that wanking is a mortal sin because it doesn’t lead to life. For a history of the former, the Mexican recommends Thomas W. Laqueur’s fine 2003 book Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation, an academic tome with many interesting tidbits—for instance, did you know the Protestant war against beating your meat didn’t begin in earnest until the 1712 publication of Onania: or the Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution, and All Its Frightful Consequences in Both SEXES, Considered, With Spiritual and Physical Advice to Those Who Have Already Injur’d Themselves by This Abominable Practice? Catholic theologians, on the other hand, have maintained for millennia that masturbation is evil incarnate: Augustine of Hippo railed against it, St. Thomas Aquinas claimed in his epic Summa Theologica that dancing the one-fisted tango is worse than rape because rape can at least lead to pregnancy, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church describes rubbing your rocket as “an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.”

But thanks for sharing your plight, Pito Chueco: it’s further proof Mexicans assimilate into this great land. The dual dogmas of Protestantism and Catholicism, America and Mexico, old and new countries truly screw with a horny brown boy’s mind. The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality says “self-pleasuring is still one of the most anxiety-provoking of all sexual issues” for Mexicans, and I can attest to that—I continue to promise God that the last time really was the last time, that I defile myself because I’m a sinner. And then I do it again. Gracias a Diós for His eternal forgiveness.

Being in law enforcement, I’ve had to handle many radio runs. I think Mexicans are some of the hardest-working people in Mexi-America, but why is it that when Mexicans drink, they often stab or hit a brother or cousin? Why not a stranger to shake off some of that tension?

Hateful Hermanos Harmful

Dear Triple H Gabacho: The Mexican family and drinking is as volatile a mix as the Irish family and Jameson, but stats don’t support your anecdotal evidence. The 2005 study Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances by the United States Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics found “whites and blacks were more likely than Hispanics or persons of other races to be victimized by family violence” between 1998 and 2002, the most recent period investigated by the DOJ. As I’ve written before in this column, “alcohol” and “logic” repel each other like “border” and “enforcement”—apologies for the reiteration, gentle readers, but sometimes the most obvious answers are those that are pirated.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT EDITION

Dear Readers:

In between your fifteenth tamale and sixth spiked cup of ponche, you’re going to have to buy regalos for Christmas or whatever pinche holiday you celebrate. Okay, you don’t have to, but you should, to support all those great indie businesses suffering during this Great Recession. Behold, then, your ¡Ask a Mexican! Xmas shopping list, a Mexican-approved cavalcade of chingonesthat will teach your kith and kin about Mexis, whether via literature, music, art, or other mediums. Enjoy!

Lalo Alcaraz: The great Chicano cartoonista is back with his annual calendar, and he promises the 2012 edition is a “RECONQUISTAPOCALYPSE” edition simultaneously celebrating the takeover of Aztlán and the Mayan prophecy proclaiming the end of the world. And did any of your local Occupy protests feature a poster of a mob taking down a statue of Monopoly’s Rich “Uncle” Pennybags? That was Lalo. www.laloalcaraz.com.

La Santa Cecilia: This group of hepcats were my resident house band back when I had a radio show, and they’ve gone on to bigger and better things since. Their music has made appearances on Weeds and Entourage, a wonderful mestizaje of klezmer, Django Reinhardt, funk, samba, conjunto norteño, and all the great music that makes the modern Mexican-American experience—and they’re politically conscious! Best of all: each CD cover is handmade by the band, a wonderful combination of DIY ethics and rascuache. www.lasantacecilia.com.

Sam Quinones: The Los Angeles Times staff writer is the greatest chronicler of post-1970 Mexico EVER. Buy all his books, read all his articles—and he’s one of the people you can blame for getting me into journalism. www.samquinones.com.

Carey McWilliams: Anything by the great progressive historian, of course, but specifically North from Mexico: The Spanish-Speaking People of the United States.

Calacas: Great Chicano shop in my ‘hood that has everything from beautiful artesania imported from Mexico to hilarious Chicano-themed T-shirts (“Estar Guars” instead of “Star Wars,” anyone?), an impressive collection of Día de los Muertos statues—and they’re tireless supporters of DREAM Act students. Pinche mensches all the way. www.calacasinc.com.

Ethnic Studies: How do you gift a discipline? Easy: monitor the battlegrounds in which Know Nothings are trying to ban it. First Arizona, next the United States—you’ve been warned. And sit in on a class at your local community college or university—or, better yet, buy all the books of Chicano Studies pioneer Rudy Acuña, a Korean War vet who’s never met a pendejo chickenhawk politician he can’t dress down with a few choice historical anecdotes.

Me!: Totally shameless self-promotion, but still: give the gift of the Mexican! Turn people on to my columna, like me on Facebook, or—better yet—save your pesos for April 10, 2012, when my long-promised Taco U.S.A.: How Mexican Food Conquered America finally publishes. Felíz Navidad, and, as always: ¡A LA CHINGADA CON ARPAYASO!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL CONQUISTADOR EDITION

   Dear Mexican: This is the second rant I’ve felt I had to send to you. I don’t know if readers are allowed “seconds” but here it goes: Much has been said about the terrible things happening to the United States and its citizens by the Mexican drug cartels. But what’s the difference between the modern-day cartels and the Big Four of the period between 1492 and 1775? I refer you to the kings of England, France, Portugal, and Spain who invaded the Americas during the above-noted period. The invaders didn’t bring cocaine, pot or meth but they brought various diseases that, if I read history correctly, led to the death of many thousands of native peoples. And, of course, they brought their heavyweight weapon, the one I believe that Lenin called the opiate of the masses: religion. Today, many people and our economy are hurt by today’s cartels, and I’m not defending them in any way, but it strikes me the cartels of today are pikers compared to their predecessors, who killed an untold number of native peoples and stole a continent.

Mexica Tiahui!

   Dear Wab: Sloppy seconds are always welcome here, cabrón! It was Marx who dropped the line about religion, not, Lenin (he wrote of religion that it’s “a sort of spiritual booze, in which the slaves of capital drown their human image, their demand for a life more or less worthy of man”), and the natives were muy religious, but otherwise, your analysis doesn’t go far enough. You forgot to mention how, like the cartels, the conquistadors fought each other for trade routes, killing each other and innocents in the process. How they demanded tribute from villagers, and terrorized them with public displays of brutality to keep them in line. How the conquistadors built empires that enriched only themselves, and created serfs out of those whom they didn’t bribe into submission. The only real difference between the conquistadors and drug cartels is that the former did it in the name of Christ—and even the narcos aren’t that pendejo to pull that card.

   Does it make any sense to you that, in some cities in Mexico, there are statues of the Spanish conquistadors? After all these were the same people who believed that they were superior than the Mexicans so they had to force their ways on them, and not to mention the whole slaughtering of thousands of Mexicans, too.

Lies my Maestro Told Me

   Dear Wab: Of course it does. Because, while though the conquistadors raped and murdered countless indigenous folks, they represent order and progress to Mexico’s elite, the very people who have the money to erect statues and are more that proud to claim direct ancestry to the barbarians. Witness the furor that happened last year, when the city ofMerida in theYucatan erected a statue to its founder, the conquistador Francisco de Montejo. Even though Montejo laid waste to the Mayas back in the 16th century, and even though the descendants of the vanquished protested loudly, the city’s elites erected the statue. And the same controversy happens whenever someone commemorates Juan de Oñate, the conquistador who swung his sword throughNew Mexico, much to the delight of the Hispanos who claim no Injun blood in their veins and to the horror of everyone else. But it’s not just an elite-Mexican thing to side with the cruel—just look at the Southern love for the Confederacy.

MEET THE MEXICAN’S FRIEND! Legendary cartoonista Lalo Alcaraz will sign copies of his posters, calendars, and books this Friday at 7:30 p.m. at Calacas,324 W. Fourth St., #B,Santa Ana, (714) 662-2002. Lecture, FREE; books, BARATO.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: I read in your book that Mexico is due for a revolution about every 100 years or so. The last one was in the first part of the Twentieth Century and you said they are about ready for another one. Do you think the drug war presently being fought between the cartels and the Mexican government is actually just a revolution being funded by drug money? Some of the other analysts I work with think it is, and others think it’s not. Since you seem frank about all things Mexican, what do you think?

The Ugly American

   Dear Gabacho: Scary how prescient I was, ¿qué no? You’d think I was Mayan! My book came out in 2007, and that particular respuesta to a question dates back to a 2005 column. And while the tens of thousands of dead, the hundreds of thousands of Mexicans forced from their homes to flee the narcoviolence, and the millions of dollars spent to fight the multi-billion dollar drug industry seems like a revolution, there are no politics involved with the drug cartels—just plain and simple capitalism taken to its Hayekian extremes. You’ll probably see a revolution in the ballot box next year, as Mexican voters will no doubt toss the PAN out of office and go back to the PRI, the political party that ruled Mexico for over 70 years, which shows the only real result of Mexico’s centenary revolts remain the same: meet the new jefe, same as the old boss.

   I am an openly gay Jewish man; my partner is Mexican-American. My family talks about our relationship with me all the time; his family doesn’t discuss a word about it. We’ve been together two years, and it has never even been acknowledged! Why is this so common with Mexicans? I don’t understand how his family can act like it doesn’t exist. Of course, I don’t bring it up, either. I play the in-the-closet game with them. I am too afraid to say anything that will hurt our relationship. Any suggestions, or experience with this?

Oy Vey with the Homophobia

   Dear Heeb: You didn’t reveal enough info. Is your partner out to his familia? Have you talked about your discomfort with him? Are you in a serious relationship? You might think so, but does your partner? There definitely might be a cultural component to your partner’s shunning of you: the Mexican has scores of gay primos whose orientation is never discussed at birria Saturdays and carne asada Sundays, and it’s because the older generation simply doesn’t like jotos and are in denial that some of their beautiful progeny are full-fledged mariposas instead of the homoerotic hombres they’re expected to become. But the Mexican also knows of many old-school families who openly embrace their gay sons, daughters, nephews, nieces and the like. It could honestly be that the family is trying you out to see if you’re worthy of their son—shit, my papi didn’t even acknowledge my now-brother-in-law until a good five years into his courting of my sister, and now Dad and the cuñado are the best of buds!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Special Mexicans are Racist Edición

   Dear Mexican: Having been called a “gabacho” by “Mexicans” much lighter than I and “wetback” by those whose parents (or who themselves) crossed several rivers as they west migrated to California, I’m curious as to which group you believe I should hold in the greatest disdain.  While Anglo wetbacks are much more fun to ridicule (“How can I be a wetback? I’m from Ohio!”), calling those who share my mother’s ancestry unpleasant names often leads to angry confrontations (thank God I have my mick father’s height and size).  I look forward to hearing from you and will ponder your possible reply while I enjoy the repast of corned beef, cabbage and refried beans I’ve prepared for tonight’s dinner (BTW—it’s properly served with flour rather than corn tortillas). 

Villa Go Bragh!

   Dear Leprecano: The Mexicans, for sure. Gabachos are naturally going to be Know Nothings, but Mexicans should know better, especially when it comes to our mick brothers. To quote myself from my book: “The Irish were the Mexicans of the United States before the Mexicans. Millions of them migrated to this country destitute, as indentured servants (the precursor to the bracero program) and even as illegal immigrants. They were fleeing a homeland under siege by evil Protestants only to find similar treatment in the States. Gabachos here maligned the Irish for their Catholicism, their funny English, their big families and constant state of inebriation—stereotypes popularized by the mainstream press. The Irish fought back: they formed gangs and voting blocs and—in the case of the Saint Patrick’s Battalion—an entire battalion of hundreds of soldiers defected to the Mexican side during the 1846 Mexican-American War.

   “But the Irish in America, to paraphrase Noel Ignatiev’s famous 1995 book, eventually became white, while Mexicans will forever remain Mexicans in the eyes of gabachos. Nevertheless, the spic-mick connection continues. I know many children of Irish-Mexican heritage who call themselves “leprecanos” a miscegenation of the words “leprechaun” and “Chicano.” Many Irish-American civic organizations support amnesty for illegals since about 50,000 Irish immigrants have no papers. Mexico and Ireland have harsh laws against illegal immigration and must constantly deal with their idiot cousins across the border, Guatemala and Northern Ireland. And gabachos have warped our precious St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo holidays into bacchanals of booze and women—on second thought, that’s a compliment.”

   The only other thing I’ll say right now, Villa go Bragh is that everyone knows corned beef tacos ALWAYS go better with corn tortillas.

   Why do your people hate me? I’m half-Mexican, and I while I don’t have the stereotypical Mexican brown skin tone, I’m no different than everyone on Univision! I’d like to know why tienda owners steer me toward the Pepsi when all I want is Sidral, why even people I’ve explicitly told I am half-Mexican react with surprise when I mainline Pelon Pelo Rico, and why the only Mexicans who show me any love at all are the construction workers whistling at me on the street! And they’re probably Guatemalan! These feelings of alienation came to a head last week when a “Mexican” co-worker whose family has lived in fucking Texas for three hundred years didn’t invite me to a luncheon for Mexicans and other Latinas.  What the fuck, Mexican? AND, I’m hot, I’m smart and I don’t smell.

La Media Mexicana

   Dear Half-Wab: We don’t hate you’re because you’re half-Mexican; we hate you because you’re a stuck-up pendeja fresa.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: GOP Senator Mel Martinez authored a decent compromise bill to resolve the growing illegal immigration problem in the United States. He broke up the group of 11 million illegals into three classes, depending on the amount of time that they were in the country. Those in the United State for two or fewer years would be expelled. Those in the country for two to five years would get in line and pay a fine. Those who had been in the country for longer than five years would be granted full citizenship following payment of a fine.

   I believe that rampant illegal (and I’m not afraid to use the word “illegal” because it is apt and accurate) immigration is not good for the country, not for the born and naturalized citizenry, nor good for the illegal immigrant, many of whom are looking for the rule of law. I believe that the rising number of conservative Hispanics (New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez, Brian Sandoval of Nevada, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio) in the country are making the growing case for Hispanics, whether born or naturalized in this country, who are tired of unchecked illegal immigration. Please share your thoughts on this trend.

Torrance Torcher

   Dear Gabacho: Mira, muy chingón in saying “illegal”! And I bet you some of your best friends are “Hispanics” and you took four years of English in high school, too! First off, Mel Martinez’s proposal is tantamount to apartheid and is as laughable a ploy to get Mexis to vote Republican as a recent proposal by the Lincoln Club of Orange County, one of the most powerful fundraising groups in the United States, to “solve” our nation’s illegal-immigrant “problem” by letting them become permanent residents, but not allowing them to ever become citizens (that’s how Germany treated its Turks, and look at how that turned out). There is no “rise” in conservative “Hispanics” in los Estados Unidos—vendidos have always existed, and as I’ve argued in this very columna many times, Mexicans are natural-born conservatives (libertarians, really) who don’t go with Republicans because of their demonization of Mexican culture. And lastly, ain’t it hilarious how Susana Martinez is spending thousands of dollars in campaign funds to try and prove her grandparents weren’t illegals? Who cares how your abuelitos came into this country, chula—your frente still has a nopal on it! That you’re wasting your time and money just to improve your standing with your Republican puppet masters at a time of duress for your state shows how selfish and deluded you truly are. Besides, haven’t you heard of Ancestry.com?

   My wife is an elementary school teacher. She claims that Mexican children with Anglo first names (such as Brad or Ashley) do better in school and on standardized exams than Mexican children with, well, Mexican first names (such as Fernando or Lupe). Your thoughts, please.

White Guy Who is Married to a Mexican-American

   Dear Gabacho: “The Relationship Between First Names and Teacher Expectations for Achievement Motivation,” co-authored by Tracy N. Anderson-Clark, Raymond J. Green, and Tracy B. Henley for the March 2008 issue of the Journal of Language and Social Psychology, found that teachers in a test case conducted in Dallas elementary schools consistently gave lower achievement scores to a sample student with a Latino first name (Xavier) than a gabacho one (Ethan) when all other factors were equal. But rather than put the blame squarely on teacher bigotry, the researchers targeted the names themselves. “Although names can represent family, culture, heritage, religion, and parents’ hopes and dreams,” the researchers concluded, “parents should understand that hopes and dreams can also be compromised by the power of a name.” ¡Pinche pendejos! Parents: proudly name your kiddies Xochitl, Tenorio and your boys Guadalupe. Also? The Mexican knows more than a few wab Brads and Ashleys who are as dumb as Susana Martinez.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: Why is Mexico such a dump? Just to name a few of the problems: stray dogs running all over the place, piles of trash burning in the street, blown out tires hanging from cactus by the side of the road, shredded plastic shopping bags plastering every fence in sight, rampant corruption in government, and lawlessness so flagrant that the entire police force in a town in Sonora was recently killed or forced to flee by armed thugs working for the drug cartels. Don’t even try to blame all this on us gabachos. And if you don’t believe me, ask the millions of Mexican citizens who are voting with their feet by trying to sneak into the U.S. Why can’t Mexico get its act together, already?

Don’t Understand Mexico’s Problems

   Dear DUMP: Of course I’ll blame Mexico’s problems on you gabachos. Drug market that makes the cartels so rich and powerful? Los Estados Unidos. Plastic shopping bags? From America. Millions of Mexicans voting with their feet? To America and its need for cheap, young labor. Hey, Mexico needs to look at itself deeply to address its many issues, but for gabachos to claim that somehow they’re innocent in causing Mexico’s ills is like claiming Taco Bell doesn’t give you a serial case of Montezuma’s Revenge.

   Why do upper-class Mexicans from Mexico hate the lower class in Mexico?

Exeter Elitist

   Dear Gabacho: Same reason the 1-percent loathes the 99-percent, and European royals wanted nothing to do with the peasant class except to exploit them. Explaining Mexicans isn’t always about the Virgin of Guadalupe and Aztecs, cabrones.

   I’m an American of Polish-Czech decent. Every wedding, or at my elders’ houses, we used to listen to polka. I moved to the Southwest 15 years ago from the Midwest, and I occasional hear Mariachi music from other cars or occasionally on the radio. I am beginning to like the music. It really reminds me of polka, but with a Southwest kick. Sadly, the friend I have of the Mexican decent or persuasion are not fans—so could you recommend a good collection or a good band to start? I’m doing it because I like music and figure music might help me to brush up on my lame bilingual skills.

Polaco Who Likes Tacos

   Dear Polack-Honky: I think what you think is mariachi is actually conjunto norteño, which is the Mexican music form that most approximates traditional polka—mostly because that’s what it is. That’s the music with the wild accordion, the metronomic 2/4 bass beat, and a wonderful corniness that only hick cultures (i.e., Mexicans, Czechs and Poles) can truly love—mostly because the music was introduced to the borderlands between northern Mexico and Texas in the mid-1800s. For old-school conjunto norteño, you want to download the collections of Los Alegres de Terán, Los Relámpagos del Norte, and Los Cadetes de Linares; for the newer groups, Los Rieleros del Norte, Ramón Ayala (one of the members of Los Relámpagos del Norte), and Los Invasores de Nuevo León. Don’t forget Flaco Jimenez and his whirlwind Tex-Mex classics. And timeless, of course, is Los Tigres del Norte. Enjoy!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL MUJER EDITION

   Dear Mexican: I am an Anglo intruder in New Mexico. When I moved to Albuquerque from Virginia, I fell in love with Mexican culture. I was impressed at what I called “Southwestern hospitality.” I have had so many second dinners when I go to people’s homes that I gained a few pounds within the first few months. To me, the words “laid back” or “easy going” describe perfectly the people I’ve met, here in New Mexico. My question has to do with being laid back. My family (white people from the East Coast) are rather neurotic types who complain easily, and I am glad to have moved to a place where survival matters more than mere appearances. But, as I have read a little about the history of the women in this state, I have come to appreciate that they had a role, sometimes bigger than the males, in making this state what it is today. They were ranch owners, healers, and keepers of the faith. They also had a lot of freedom that today’s women may envy.

   What I want to know is how come Mexican women are so comfortable with their bodies? What makes white women so uptight? I think one of the reasons for New Mexican women’s uninhibited nature is the fact that it was women who ran things, who delivered babies, and they only had each other to talk to and seek help. So, it translated to women who now are untrammeled by silly hang-ups, and they have more natural beauty, both inside and out, than women elsewhere. Am I reading too much into things? Am I just another gringo who said the wrong thing? What do you think?

Curious in Albuquerque

   Dear Gabacho: You’re a modern-day Charles Fletcher Lummis, you are! Short response: mujeres no son that uninhibited—check out usage rates of tampons versus maxi pads between mexicanas and gabachas. Long response: Catholicism.

   My wife is a gabacha and she frequently asks me why hefty, older Mexican women seem to wear crudely sewn printed bed sheets for dresses. Having slept with a plain blanket next to my brother and visiting relatives in the living room for much of my youth, I can’t really tell the difference between a print floral dress and a printed bed sheet. So is it true? Does la comadre Concha have to make a tent dress out of flower-print bed sheets bought at the 99 Cent Only store because dresses from Wal-Mart will not fit her?

Mexican Dormilón

   Dear Sleepy Wab: Tell your esposa gabacha to stop hating and save your ass some cash by making like all good Mexi woman and start to coser y tejer her own dresses. While I’m glad that hipster chicks have gotten into sewing, crafting, and that whole Etsy chingadera over the past couple of years, it’s old sombrero for Mexican mujeres, all whom know who to sew, stitch, weave and do miracles with cloth, strings, and needles. Can’t tell you how many quinceañera dresses my tías made from materials bought at textile stores, or how many torn jeans my mami patched up over the years, or cuffs on khakis she created when cuffs were cool, and took off when they weren’t. Oh, and the dress type you’re referring to is most likely the huipil, the long, flowery dresses from southern Mexico. Consider it a mestizo muumuu, except much classier and not as trashy as your woman’s ilk.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Speaking of sewing and such, Kathy Cano-Murillo has long brought the Mexi to the world of crafting via her many efforts as the Crafty Chica: newspaper columns, books, classes, product and much, mucho more. The Mexican ain’t much of a crafter—I leave that to the womenfolk, as my daily fill with sharp objects is already met with lawnmowers and garden sheers—but fully endorse Cano-Murillo, as my said womenfolk idolize the mujer. More info at craftychica.com.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: These days, using the word “nigger” is considered so offensive that, in its place, we now use the term “n-word.” Of course, never mind that African-Americans use it amongst themselves as a term of endearment, pero esa es una historia para otro día. Sin embargo, it raises a pregunta for me: Por qué no one uses “b-word” for “beaner,” “w-word” for “wetback,” and “s-word” for “spick”?

   While I don’t advocate the use of ANY ethnic slur, I find it curious/interesting, that similar “abbreviations,” (like n-word) don’t exist for those used to refer to Mexicans, and I’d like to know your take on this (of course I’ll admit that those “abbreviations” may exist, and I haven’t heard about them yet).

PC, But not a Pendejo

   Dear Gabacho: The three anti-Mexi slurs you used are so 1950s—the only people who use those words nowadays are old gabachos and Alabamans. No need to ameliorate those, anymore so than mick, dago, chink, Mohammedan, or square head. Besides, you forgot the most important abbreviated euphemism right now: the I-word, for “illegal” when referring to undocumented people. A campaign run by the always-chingón Applied Research Center (publishers of the even-more-chingón magazine, Colorlines) is seeking that everyone stop using the term “illegal” outright, or at the least resort to using the awkward I-word stand-in. The only people who use that term, unfortunately, are Aztlanistas of all ethnicities, while the n-word term has become part of mainstream culture (it’s first appearance in the mainstream media, by the way, dates back to a 1987 St. Petersburg Time article, while the term seems to date back to PC pendejos in charge of HR relations for the government during the early 1980s).

   What’s the difference, then, between the public’s reticent acceptance of using the n-word for nigger while completely ignoring the I-word campaign? Easy: one term has centuries of nasty history behind it involving slavery, race, lynching and all other sorts of nastiness, while illegal as a stand-in for “Mexican” only dates back to the 1950s—the earliest reference I could find to illegals being used as a noun to refer to undocumented Mexicans is a 1951 Los Angeles Times story quoting a government official about the Mexican waves then invading California. Before that, America actually cheered on “illegals” invading a sovereign land: the Jews who tried to illegally enter the British Mandate for Palestine before the establishment of Israel were called “illegals” by the press, and there was even a 1948 documentary called The Illegals based on the subject. Of course, that’s ancient history for Americans, who never liked to be reminded of their double standards, especially when it involves Mexicans. Besides, America always needs ethnic slurs to toss around and make itself feel better—and while the era of nigger is largely over, the days of illegal are just beginning. Go us!

   As a Korean-American daughter of an illegal-immigrant (Mexican) employer, I’m very curious as to know what Mexicans think of us.  (I have a feeling that the answer is going to be less than shining.)

Hangul Heina

   Dear Chinita: We have no real beef with Koreans, other than you stole our tacos.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! The “Drop the I-Word” campaign, of course. The Mexican doesn’t have a problem with using illegal—reappropriation, cabrones!—but I do support the ARC’s campaign, because they’re righteous broders who do good work. Visit droptheiword.com for more information.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

    Dear Mexican: There’s something I concerned about, or bothered by. I was born and raised in Mexico, but I’ve been here for eight years. All the talk about 9/11 is too much, because every single year brings a rehash of the tragedy. I really think that remembering the event for two or five years is enough, but 10 years is too much. ¿Qué piensas? Is it the gabacho culture to not get over things, or does this country not have enough culture and this tragedy now is part of American civism?

Born Allá, Born Outsanding, Still Outstanding

    Dear BABOSO: Are you kidding me? Us Mexicans are one to criticize on this subject, given we’ve never gotten over the Conquest and continue to bitch about how the United States stole half of Mexico like a second-grader crying that someone stole his lunchtime burrito.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Muy sorry for this extended Good Mexican and for just answering one pregunta this semana, but have I got a story to tell. The Mexican recently started appearing in Weld for Birmingham, a just-opened alt-weekly in the Magic City already proving itself as one of the few sane voices left in Alabama. Needless to say, this columna is already raising desmadre—but not in a way I could’ve possibly foreseen in this day and age. I’ll let Weld reporter Madison Underwood take it from here:

    This week, Weld got a voicemail from a lady at an America’s Thrift Store location that receives our papers. The lady said they would like to stop receiving our paper because they’re a Christian organization, and though our first issue was pretty mild (our first issue was Sept. 1, so we’re still pretty new), recent issues have had a lot of editorial content they didn’t like.

    Since our paper has not had any increase in the amount of editorial content, I figured maybe it was the fact that I quoted you using the words “fuck Alabama” in my interview with you. That, I think, was the first “fuck” in Weld.

    So, we Welders were, of course, curious about what it was that set the lady and the Thrifters off. So we sent our brave intern Daniel to the America’s Thrift Store under the pretense of retrieving our paper rack, and we had him ask her what it was in Weld that pushed them over the edge.

    She told Daniel that the word “Mexican” is offensive. Daniel asked if she meant the column, “¡Ask a Mexican¡” and she said, yes, sort of, but that the word “Mexican” is offensive. Daniel explained that the author of the “Ask a Mexican” column is, in fact, a Mexican. (And though I don’t know if he explained this, I would note that when referring to Hispanic immigrant populations in my own immigration coverage, I’ve always used the word “Hispanic.”)

    This did not seem to faze her.

    If “Mexican” is offensive, our state is truly, sincerely fucked.

    HAHAHAHA! Time was when “Mexican” was considered an epithet by Mexis in the United States—but that was the 1960s. Congrats, Alabama—you’re even more backwards than we thought! Gentle readers: make sure to visit Weld’s website at weldbham.com and click on their links a million times to ensure they get those advertisers pesos—actually, do that for all the papers that carry me, cabrones!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: Really? You answered “When Should You Use Usted Instead of Tú?” recently over my “Why Won’t My Gardener Fuck Me Again If I Demand an HIV Test?” Any sad gabacho can Google for grammar tips (no offense to Yo Quiero Hablar). Meanwhile, we clueless gabachas need to know how to love our Gardeners With Benefits while staying safe; hard-working gardeners are missing out on some incredible water breaks. And your readers, if they knew you fed them Spanish 101 tips instead of sexy backyard encounters, would probably hate usted a little.

   In case you’re still interested in answering my original question, here are a few details that might help inform your response: I’m not ugly. I’ve seen Hot Gardener once since I first wrote you, and HG made it clear he still wants to bang me but still has no intention of getting an HIV test. No, he didn’t offer an explanation. We don’t exchange a lot of words, Mexican. That’s why I’m asking you. Did I mention I’m not ugly?

   In the end, maybe a better question than my original “How offended should I be?” query would be, “How do I get him to take the goddamn test so we can fuck again?” Your choice, of course.

Hot for Gardener

   Dear Gabacha: Chula, haven’t you heard? There’s an invasion of Mexicans in this country—I’m sure you can find a hot Mexican who’s willing to take an HIV test before screwing you silly, especially if you’re as hot as you claim to be, since Mexican men around hot gabachas are like day laborers around a truck. Besides, it’s your jardinero’s personal hang-up, not his culture, that’s stopping the testing: a 2005 National Center for Health Statistics survey found testing rates were actually higher among Latinos in the United States than gabachos. My advice: tell him your panocha is going to get manicured by the next hot Mexican gardener you meet, and he’ll shape up pronto, because the only thing that’ll motivate an hombre to do what a woman wants is the prospect of losing his gabacho to another wab.

   There’s a soccer team in Mexico named Chivas. Is not a chiva a female goat? The players on the team are men. ¿Por qué?

Gabacha Sin Escrúpulos

   Dear Gabacha Without Scruples: VERY perceptive! A chiva is indeed a baby female goat, and there is indeed a Mexican first-division soccer team named Chivas. They’re based in Guadalajara and perhaps the most popular squad in the country because they subscribe to the same Jaliscan superiority myth that birthed mariachi and tequila, and the rest of Mexico ate it hook, line, y sinker. The club’s official history states that the nickname (their official name is Club Deportivo Guadalajara) came about in 1948, after a match against the team’s in-city rival, Atlas: opposing fans ridiculed C.D. Guadalajara as playing like a bunch of chivas brinconas (skittish baby female goats), the same type of no-holds-barred Mexican-soccer insults that causes us to shout “Osama! Osama” during U.S.-Mexico games. The club, however, embraced the nickname, and has used it ever since in becoming the Red Sox of Mexico: a team that really gets more attention than it should. ¡VIVA CRUZ AZUL, CABRONES!

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Freedom University just opened up in Georgia by volunteers intent on educating undocumented college students in an era where states are doing their damndest to keep young Mexicans stupid. More information at freedomuniversitygeorgia.com.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL BEST-OF EDITION

    Dear Readers: The Mexican doesn’t want to take this week off, but has to because it’s his mother periódico’s Best Of issue and the Mexican is tasked with eating a thousand tacos in the search for the best one in Orange. I’ll return next week, more panzón than ever—in the meanwhile, enjoy these oldies-but-goodies. And remember: ¡A LA CHINGADA CON ALABAMA!

    Dear Mexican: What’s up with all the elaborate wrought iron fences in the Mexican parts of town? It almost seems like everyone is trying to outdo each other with these amazing displays of metallurgy. Is it just another way to try to protect the cars parked on the lawn and keep the livestock from wandering off, or is it a pathway to instant respect and envy among the neighbors?

WHrought Iron To Envy (WHITE) Guy

    Dear Gabacho: This is a question that fascinates even sociologists. At a 2005 seminar called “The Latinization of American Culture,” UCLA professor David Hayes-Bautista showed pictures of wrought-iron fences to describe what gabachos can expect when Mexicans move into their neighbor-hoods. But you can find the answer on the United States-Mexico border, WHITE: fences. Miles and miles of American-made fences. Triple-layered. Jagged. Deadly. That’s our introduction to American society when we illegally enter los Estados Unidos.All Mexicans want to assimilate, so fences are usually the first thing we erect once we buy a casa: pointy, menacing bars wrapped with organic barbed wire like bougainvilleas or roses to keep the damn Mexicans at bay. And still—as evidenced by the lemons stolen from my front lawn every night—Mexicans jump them.

    What is it about the word “illegal” that Mexicans don’t understand?

D.G.

    Dear Gabacho: Take your pick, D.G. Mexicans don’t understand the word “illegal” because: (A) when paying their gardeners, nannies, busboys and factory workers in cash (and forgetting to withhold payroll taxes), U.S. employers don’t seem to understand the word “illegal,” so why should Mexicans? (B) The Anglo-American trappers and traders whom you and I were taught to admire as tough, self-sufficient frontiersmen and pioneers were among the American Southwest’s first illegals. Who are you calling illegal, gabacho? (C) Presidente Bush’s proposal to offer amnesty and a guest-worker program during his administration to all illegal immigrants—a move designed to appease his supporters in the business community—means even Republicans don’t understand the word. (D) Whether they buy a fake passport or take a citizenship oath, Mexicans will never be more than wetbacks in the eyes of many Americans, so why bother applying for residency? (E) The Society of Professional Journalists just passed a resolution asking newspapers to require its reporters to describe as “undocumented workers” the men and women you call “illegal.” (F) Little-known fact: the fragment of poetry on the Statue of Liberty (“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” etc.) does not, because of a French engraver’s error, include Emma Lazarus rarely cited footnote: “No Mexicans, please.” Fucking French. But the real answer is the word itself. “Illegal” is an English word; Mexicans speak Spanish—yet you never hear Mexicans whine that their bosses don’t understand such easy Spanish phrases as “pinche puto pendejo baboso,” do you?

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL GOOD GABACHO/EVIL ALABAMA EDITION

   Dear Mexican: I learned Spanish in school as a teen. Then, it seems, because I was young, everybody was an usted. I would like to practice speaking it, but am now an adult and don’t know who gets to be a tú?  I’m scared of getting it wrong and unwittingly offending. Tú might be too familiar—hence, disrespectful—usted might be too cold or aloof. Please tell what is customarily done, so I can dare to try to speak this very beautiful language. Thank you!

Yo Quiero Hablar

   Dear I Want to Speak: Primeramente, thank usted for being a gabacho who’s not afraid of Spanish—you can teach Arizona and Alabama something, you know? The formal second-person personal pronoun usted isn’t cold or aloof at all, though, but rather a sign of respect toward the person you’re addressing—it could be a kid, a viejito, or the pinche King of England. Tú (and here, the novice Spanish speaker will note the use of the accent to distinguish it from tu, which without an accent is the informal singular second-person possessive “your”; the formal singular second-person possessive in Spanish is su) is for addressing anyone who doesn’t deserve particular respect but also doesn’t deserve derision. For those pendejos in the latter category, don’t even bother addressing them as a “you”—just call them “Alabama.”

   I just read another letter in your column from a gabacho talking about Mexicans, who he claims are “desecrating our flag. A-a-and showing contempt for American citizens!!!” (Presumably white American citizens, who are more easily identified than pochos) It’s time for me to ask you—are these letters for real? Are you sure they’re not some nefarious Mexican plot to make white people look like a bunch of whiny cracker boobs? I’m married to a Mexican woman. Our family may be dysfunctional, and slow to pick up the check in restaurants. But unpatriotic? I have a son-in-law who just came back from Iraq. I have a brother-in-law who barely speaks English. He wants to become naturalized just so he can vote Republican. (I know, I know. Don’t ask.) And if you ask the pochos, they will tell you that the most dubious patriot in the family is that big gabacho over there—the one whose family all came from Norway. Sadly, they would be pointing at me.

   If these letters really are real, then I throw myself at the mercy of your readers. Not all gringos are unemployed, crank-snorting, self-pitying trailer trash. Okay, a lot of us are. But don’t give up on the rest of us. I am already in trouble with the pocho side of the family, who suggest that if I don’t love my country, maybe I should move back to Norway, where I belong.

A Gabacho Unleashed

   Dear Gabacho: Of course all the letters sent in are real—who do you think I am, a fabulist ala Sarah Palin? As I always say in my many lectures, I only do three things to the questions: edit them for space constraint, clean them up for grammatical purposes and give people a pseudonym (I would’ve called usted Dumbfounded in Denver, but your choice worked). But you don’t have to worry about Mexicans making gabachos look bad—the state of Alabama does that job just great. And don’t worry about Mexicans hating on good gabachos such as yourself. We keep track of every gabacho in this country—we know who we can count on to marry our daughters, and who’s calling code enforcement whenever our primo Chava parks his Suburban on our lawn—in our own mestizo Domesday Book, making notes so when the time comes to take over, we’ll decide who gets the shot of Corralejo and who gets deported to Alabama.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: I hear that at the last Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors hearing about redistricting, some lady accused Supervisor Gloria Molina of Reconquista. What is that—and what on earth is going on over there? I don’t get what all the fuss is about. The U.S. Census says that Latinos make up half of the county’s population—it seems only fair that Latinos should have a chance to elect whoever they want to at least two seats on the Board rather than getting split up all over the County. What gives?

The Revenge of Roybal 

   Dear Wab: First, some ‘splaining is needed for the rest of America. Molina is the lioness of Latino politics in Southern California, having served as a state assemblywoman, Los Angeles councilwoman AND county supervisor in her nearly 30 years in public office. That’s a great legacy on its own, but Molina has recently courted controversy for proposing to change the supervisorial district lines (as done every decade) of Los Angeles County so that two districts fall in Latino-majority areas, the thinking being such shuffling will ensure two Latinos on the Board of Supervisors. Redistricting to empower or dilute a particular ethnic voting bloc, of course, is as American an effort as the fast-food taco, and about as appetizing, and it’s something that los Estados Unidos is currently experiencing anew given the demographic changes that the Reconquista created. No surprise that there’s a backlash—but it happened with negritos, happened with chinitos, and even with micks, Jews, and goombahs, so us wabs can’t whine that we’re getting uniquely demonized in this instance. All that said, the Know Nothings opposed to such efforts should also look toward history—negritos, chinitos, micks, Jews, and goombahs became as inept and corrupt in running America as gabachos, so Mexicans in power have nowhere to go but arriba. 

   Every time I ride my bike through the barrio in a city, the same question comes to my mind. Why do so many Mexican business owners sit huge stereo speakers outside their stores and play music at a volume that guarantees I’d never go in?

Aspirin Fan 

   Dear Gabacho: That’s all your local barrio businesses use to promote themselves? No guys dressed in Shrek costumes, no creepy clowns giving out balloons? No sign waver broiling in the sun, chica caliente in a skirt as high as her top is low handing out flyers, or Mexican flags waving? Or maybe a truck left out on the street with all the info about the store painted on a truck, or a window sticker on said truck fighting for space among a bull and Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame pissing on la migra? Not all ad campaigns exist on Groupon, Facebook, or even your local Spanish-language radio station, you know, and it’s your loss for not going in and missing out on all the cheaper prices us Mexis and wily gabachos enjoy. 

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Ustedes have probably never heard of David A. Sánchez, since former chairs of college mathematics and statistics departments don’t exactly resonate across our tonto land. But the retired profe from the University of New Mexico has just released Don’t Forget the Accent Mark: A Memoir, a brief, beautifully told story of a young man who navigated his ethnicity through the turbulent decades of the Chicano Movement and beyond. Proof that, sometimes, the most effective civil rights heroes wield not a bullhorn but a classroom.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: I am a half-breed, as they say (Mexican father, Anglo mother), and recently I’ve been reading a lot about the drug violence in Mexico. I’ve become increasingly disturbed by the way in which we Americans are directly contributing to this war by supplying the demand for drugs while still making it illegal to possess them. My boyfriend is an occasional smoker of the green stuff, and occasionally I partake as well. But, of course, lately it gives me pause. My boyfriend is confident that the stuff he smokes is coming from California, or someplace “local.” I come from Texas, so to me Texas and California are pretty much Mexico, if you catch my drift. What are the odds that the “quality” stuff he is smoking is not in some way contributing to the Mexican drug cartels? Hope you can help.

Worried I’m a Hypocrite

   Dear Gabacha: Hard to say, although more likely than not. A 2009 finding by the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy estimated more than 60 percent of Mexican drug cartels’ $13.8 billion revenue in 2006 came from marijuana—but the White House is as trustworthy on stats involving drugs as a Mexican is with safekeeping a bottle of Herradura. The RAND Corporation—hardly Up in Smoke acolytes—put the figure at somewhere between 15 and 26 percent in a 2010 study. What both sides do acknowledge, however, is that the relaxing of marijuana laws in states such as California has led to a boom in domestic production (read my colleague Nick Schou’s awesome feature from earlier this year, “Into the Emerald Triangle,” which reads like Heart of Darkness via Ken Kesey) that is eating directly into the cartels’ profits, leading to more narcos shifting production from Mexico to the United States. If you’re concerned about where your weed comes from, just do what acolytes of farmers markets do: buy local. Make sure your neighborhood pot dealer is free of any nefarious connections. Grow your own, and tell the feds it’s Mexican oregano if they ask. Better yet, pressure your local and state government to legalize the ganga—and, while you’re at it, can you also press for amnesty as well?

   What I would like to know is, why, as Latinos, we never have agencies like MALDEF, which claim to serve the need of Hispanics whose rights have been violated in some way, come up to the plate and actually do heavy talking like Sharpton or Jesse Jackson? Right now, with so much shit being thrown at us Latinos, we need someone we can count on to be our voice in the media. Every talk show I’ve seen, who discuses Latinos issues? All white—waz up with that? What’s your take on the subject?

Aztlán Broadcasting Company

   Dear ABC: Speaking of being doped up…concentrate, CONCENTRATE! You’re talking about two issues here, so hay que start with the alphabet organizations, MALDEF (Mexican-American Legal Defense and Education Fund) and NCLR (National Council of La Raza). They do good work on the local level, ensuring equity in school and work, but fail on a national level because they’re good liberals instead of the chingón radicals Mexis need to truly fight Know Nothings. That said, they and other organizations did release a survey earlier this year showing the brown-out on our nation’s Sunday-morning political talk shows: from March to May of this year, only five out of 234 guests on FOX News Sunday, Face the Nation, This Week, and Meet the Press were “Hispanic”—and I’m pretty certain all of them were the Mexican’s amigo, Ruben Navarrette, Jr.! The reason? Obvious: networks still think we’re a bunch of banditos. The solution: make your own media, cabrones, whether blogs, YouTube channels, or porn.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!