By Gustavo Arellano

LAST CALL TO BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones, my much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it. My libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And, after this week, I promise to stop running this shameless self-promotion so I can sneak in more questions—so BUY BUY BUY! Gosh, I sound like a pinche public-radio station during a fund-drive…

I usually don’t allow anyone to hijack this columna, but an exception must be made for California State Assemblymember Gil Cedillo. He’s been fighting the good fight for decades, recently trying to get driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants and ceaselessly support DREAMers. Cedillo was so moved by the undocumented college student who wrote in a couple of weeks ago fretting about his future and inability to pay for community college that the chingón assemblymember wrote in with this public service announcement:

Unfortunately, Congress has stalled on passing the Federal Dream Act. However, here in California just last year. Governor Jerry Brown signed AB 130 and AB 131, which allow all students to receive financial aid regardless of immigration status. Assembly Bill 130 went into effect on January 1, 2012 and allows students to receive private scholarships. Currently, there are many organizations, donors and colleges raising money for undocumented students. Just a few weeks ago, UC Berkeley announced that they awarded approximately $1 million in scholarships, which was funded by a combination of private gifts and endowments, to 140 students. In Silicon Valley, a group of technology leaders have donated money for scholarships and resources to undocumented students through an organization called Educators for Fair Consideration. Furthermore, next year, once AB 131 is implemented, students will have the opportunity to receive Cal Grants, Board of Governor’s Fee Waivers (for community college students) and other state-funded scholarships. Although I agree with Gustavo that we must keep the faith while the Congress acts on the Federal Dream Act, here in California we at least have something to be proud of and look forward to.

Gracias, Assemblymember Cedillo. If only more assemblymembers and state senators across the country agreed with you on this issue…now, back to your regular programming.

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans change their names, seemingly at whim? For example, Antonio Garcia Rodriguez is Antonio Garcia on Monday and Antonio Rodriguez on Wednesday. And by Saturday, he might call himself Pedro Garcia! Is this a plot to confuse whitey? It’s working, if it is!

No More Nombres

Dear Gabacho: From the moment a Mexican is born until the day he’s seis pies abajo, a Mexican’s sole goal in life is to confound gabachos—commanded so by diosito en el cielo in Leviticus, it is. But the long-winded names Mexicans use isn’t part of that conspiracy. You can actually find a version of question in my ¡Ask a Mexican! book (BUY BUY BUY in the next week, and you get a free ¡Ask a Mexican! tote bag…or not), but let me reiterate: Traditionally, a Mexican’s full name constituted four parts: a first name, a middle nombre, a surname, and the mother’s apellido (more than a few Mexis drop the middle name, and use those initials to create cool belt buckles). This insistence on honoring the maternal and paternal sides of the familia, however, wrecks desmadre on American legal forms, which frequently mistake the maternal name for the last name, a middle name for a surname, or a surname for a middle name. And now you know why far too many Mexis get pulled aside by the TSA—oh, and that whole Tío Lencho-looks-like-Saddam Hussein thing, too…

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones, my much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it. My libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies!

Dear Mexican: I’m getting sick and tired of all these dirty, stupid Mexicans running around. The first part is easy: As Mr. Dix says in David Copperfield, when asked what to do with David, “Why, bathe him.” The second part could be just as easy: Pay them to learn English. There is no damn crime in knowing two languages. If they are kids brought here illegally by their parents, pay the parents to learn English also. And don’t ever, ever tell me that there’s no money. I HATE MEXICANS EXCEPT FOR THE GIRLS!

Wrote My Question Via Snail Mail

Dear Gabacho: And as Dickens wrote in Martin Chuzzlewitz, “What is exaggeration to one class of minds and perceptions, is plain truth to another.” I agree it’s no damn crime to know two languages, so please tell your gaba raza it’s okay to learn Spanish—shit, Mexicans learned English long ago!

Why are Mexican men so attached to their mommies? My boyfriend is an only child, and his mom is loca for him. When he goes out to dinner with his parents, she never has anything to say. But if I am around, she will talk to him forever. I tried to be friends with her, but she looks like she just want to have a civil relationship with me, not a “mother-daughter” relationship. He isn’t crazy in love with his mom because he has stopped speaking to her for ten days because of su novia and had arguments with her because of things she did against me in the past, but he is still kind of…blind. How can I take him away from her? Somebody told that the food will. I already know how to make three Mexican dishes and he loved! What else can I do besides cook and have sex (which he enjoys a lot!)?

Confused Nuera

Dear Daughter-in-Law Confundida: It’s not so much a Mexican thing as it is a Catholic culture cosa. One of my favorite cross-cultural moments happened in The Godfather 2, where the young Vito Corleone (as played by Robert DeNiro) saw an opera in Little Italy in which the protagonist, upon learning about the death of his saintly mother, proceeded to sing that he was going to kill his…was it a wife? Lover? Don’t have my Netflix right now. Anyhoo, Catholic culture teaches the male worship of moms and the dismissal of all other woman as inadequate—it’s the whole Madonna/whore complex, and it’s a cycle that not even the best panocha on Earth can break. And as the eldest son of a wonderful mami, I say let this benevolent tyranny reign FOREVER.

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones, my much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it. My libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies!

Dear Mexican: I am a 20-year-old tall, slender, blonde Jewish Russian-American, He is a 24-year-old, short muscular Mexican. At face value, you would never think we would work well, but we do. I started to love him. He’s the most unique person I have ever met. He is never down, always smiling, and positive while I worry. However, I noticed he is the most prideful guy I have ever met. It’s good to be proud, I think. But here is the issue. This New Years, he invited me to go to Tijuana with him to meet his friends. Everyone warned me against it but I was still up for it. However, I got really sick and worried on top of it, so I backed out last minute. He thinks I didn’t want to hang out with his friends—as if I think I’m too good for them. He thinks I’m rejecting that entire part of him if I say I am scared to go to Tijuana to party, when really I’m not the party type. How do I win him back without hurting his pride? It’s a new year so I want to get this off my chest. What is at the heart of a Mexican guy? How do I un-break it? Was I wrong to fear Tijuana?

Rusa Ruca

Dear Gabacha: If you were truly sick, then your Mexi has no reason to be angry at you—enferma is enferma, and you couldn’t help it. But if you don’t like to party, may I suggest dating an Amish guy? Mexicans and fiestas go like “brown” and “down,” so you have to prepare yourself for a lifetime of quinceañeras, funerals, bodas, baptisms and carne asada Sundays if you truly love the guy. And you were wrong to fear Tijuana—in the past couple of years, the city has exploded on the culinary map, with inventive chefs fishing the riches of the Sea of Cortez and combining them with homegrown wines, olive oils, cheese, and the best street food this side of Mexico City. Yeah, areas of the city remain sketchy; just like any other big city, stay away from them, but don’t let said threat of danger keep you away. Finally, how do you un-break a Mexi man’s heart? A nice, big meal, and a bout of the sexytimes.

I think I may be Mexican—but I’m not sure. Can you help me decide? Ever since I was a child, both sides of my family would say, “You are Spanish, NOT Mexican.” I’ve always wanted to get to the bottom of this issue, so I recently had my DNA tested. The report stated that I’m 53% Native American, 46% European and 1% Sub-Saharan African, (all humans have a small portion of Sub-Saharan African DNA because humans evolved on the African continent). Just as I was getting comfortable with my Native American status, my brother said, “These results prove you are Mexican!” When I asked how he came to that conclusion, he claimed that a Mexican is just a Native American that got knocked up by a European. To make things even more confusing, some say I am Hispanic, Chicano or Latino. Señor, please tell me what I am: Native American, Hispanic, Chicano, Latino, or Mexican?

¿Paella o Pintos?

Dear Wabette: Does the lamestream media’s infatuation with a recent Pew Hispanic Center study showing the vast majority of Spanish-speaking cabrones don’t identify as either Hispanic or Latino but rather their national or ethnic origin bug you as much as it does me? If your family wants to call themselves Spanish even though they have a nopal en la frente, then let them be self-hating. And call yourself whatever chingado term you want—may I suggest chica caliente?

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones, my much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it. My libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies!

Dear Mexican: How come there are a bunch of fair-skinned European-looking guys running Mexico? When I am in Mexico, I see them having power lunches in fine restaurants, driving Beemers and escorting absolutely breathtaking women with long legs and high cheek bones around town. Who are these guys? How can I become one of them? Okay, the last question is silly but…

Chico Amante

Dear Gabacho: Mexico has had a full-blooded Indian (Benito Juarez), a half-Mixtec (Porfirio Diaz), an Afro-Mexican (Vicente Guerrero), and many mestizos as presidents, and a Lebanese-Mexican (Carlos Slim) is its richest man; the United States de Gabachos has had one negrito, a Dutch cabrón, and a mick serve as president in a cavalcade of Caucasians. European power ¿qué?

What is up with the broken-down coche in the front yard of almost all Mexicans and the rose bushes? Why the rose bushes? Do you get your Mexican card revoked if you do not fulfill these apparent criteria to be Mexican?

Pocho from Palmdale

Dear Wab: The car is because the cousin who knows how to fix radiators needs to fix his first; the roses are in homage to the Virgin of Guadalupe, whom the legend goes ordered the Indian (another Mexi who runs Mexico!) Juan Diego to show skeptical Spanish padres proof of her existence. Juan Diego gathered rose petals in his cloak and dumped them in front of the culero clergy only to find an imprint of la morenita on it. Let’s see an English garden do that.

I came to this country when I was four years old from Mexico with my parents; I’m now 22 years of age. My parents for some reason didn’t try to file for papers for themselves when the process was as easy as making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I’m attending community college at Santa Ana College; as you know, I have to pay a million times more because of my residential status. But when I first heard about this DREAM ACT, I thought that it could be my savior, financially wise. Because of that same issue, I’m only taking two classes this fall semester, and it STILL totaled up to over $400 with books and all. What exactly would the DREAM ACT mean if it did pass for students like myself? What/who needs to make the MAJOR, FINAL decision for it to come a reality? What’s the status of it at this point? And, do YOU think it will be passed anytime soon, or ever? Thank you.

Dreaming My Life Away

Dear Secular Saint: Your astronomical community college fees are a result of bonehead administrators and largely independent from the question of citizenship. And I’ll tell you and your fellow Dreamers the same thing I’ve been telling ustedes for years about your plight: keep the faith. Although the future seems hopeless, look at all the progress that has been made in just the past couple of years: the coming out of the shadows by so many undocumented youths, unafraid about pendejo politicians. The flowering of amazing artwork by Dreamers such as Julio Salgado, the Mexican’s former intern whose posters have drawn national acclaim and are at nearly every Dreamer rally. The pushing into the national debate about the issue. Sure, Know Nothings will try their damndest to stop Dreamers and other undocumented folks from ever attaining citizenship, but the war is already won; it’s just the rest of the country that’s just realizing this. Again: keep the faith.

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we dont sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans with lowriders have murals on their hoods and trunks/tailgates? And how come they always have waterfalls and half-naked chicks as part of the mural?

The crazy Filipino

Dear Chinito: First off, gracias for not telling the old tired lowrider joke that goes like this: Why do Mexicans ride lowriders? So they can cruise and pick strawberries at the same time. Or: why do Mexicans drive cars with small steering wheels? So they can drive while wearing handcuffs. All jokes aside, the use of murals on lowriders is further proof of Mexican assimilation into this country. The art, of course, come from Mexicos proud muralist tradition, which you see in Mexican neighborhoods across America. Their placement on cars comes from kustom kulture, born in Southern California and freely mixing with Mexican traditions from the 1950s onward. Half-naked chicks? Like you have to ask! And, frankly, Mexicans cannot stand to see any flat surface unadorned, whether its with a mural, graffiti, quinceañera pictures, Virgins of Guadalupe and the occasional college diploma.

What’s the deal with Mexicans and scratch-off lottery tickets? Is it the lure of the instant gratification of immediately getting back the $2 return on their $10 investment, or is it because they’re afraid that immigration  might be waiting outside the  office when they try to cash their Lotto ticket? Honestly, it’s been years since I’ve seen anyone but Mexicans buying those sorry excuses for a gambling opportunity.

Learn other temptations

Dear Gabacho: The only comprehensive survey involving the racial and ethnic demographics of lottery players is an annual survey compiled by the University of Houstons Hobby Center for Public Policy. In its 2010 report, it found that while the percentage of “Hispanics” who played scratch-off lotto tickets didnt vary significantly from gabachos (55.6 percent of Mexis surveyed played, while a whopping 72.2 percent of negritos did the same), the median amount of dollars spent per month by Mexis was much higher than everyone else: $8.50, as opposed to five bucks for gabachos y negritos alike. The Hobby Centers study unfortunately didnt offer any explanation for the discrepancy, although other lottery researchers have determined that Mexis prefer scratch-off tickets because of their low cost and the easy availability in convenience stores. Wish I had a rejoinder to that, so instead Ill offer another lowrider joke: what did the lowrider say when the house fell on him? Get off me, homes!

CONFIDENTIAL TO: The Albuquerque idiot who has called libraries and bookstores where I’ve been doing signings demanding that they cancel my event because my column is supposedly racist. Pendejo: if the Anti-Defamation League laughed you off, you think anyone else is going to take you seriously? The only people who want this column gone are Know Nothings and neo-Nazis. Become a productive member of society: buy many copies of my books and donate them to the underground libraries being set up by the Librotraficante (www.librotraficante.com), who gladly traffics in my libros and those of other seditious writers.

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: Why do Hispanics deny that George Zimmerman is Hispanic? He did nothing wrong and has been crucified in the media—La Raza cannot bow down to the race baiters and race traitors that call themselves African-American leaders!

Brown and Down

Dear Wab: This column is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask a Hispanic!, but I’ll play, only because negrito-hating pendejos like you need to get smacked down. No Latinos deny that Zimmerman is half-Peruvian, and the reason we’re joining African-American leaders in vilifying him is because Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin, a story of racial profiling gone horribly wrong that our respective communities know far too well. Wish there was a joke here—oh, wait, it’s your tortured logic. ¡Gracias!

We have much in common. I live in Washington, DC; you live in Wab-ington, OC. My fair city is the capital of Los Gabachos Unidos de America; your fair city is the capitol of La Raza Mojada. You have a poorly disguised desire to abandon your Mexican heritage and become a gabacho: you use English like a native, you vote, you pay taxes. I have a poorly disguised desire to rise above gabachismo and become Mexican: I butcher Spanish and I listen to son huasteca, son jarocho, corridos from the 1940s and ’50s, and mariachi—the jinete variety without the trumpets, as played on the haciendas. (Notice the lame attempt to appear more authentic than those fresas who listen to urban mariachi with trumpets.) You console yourself with the thought that, no matter how much you fall short as a gabacho, you will never be Guatamalan. I console myself with the thought that, in spite of having been born next to the border, I will never be from West Virginia. What’s a failure of a vendido to do but hide his despair behind racial slurs directed at the object of his aspirations? Ah, but your racist Rolodex is so much more extensive than mine.

Which brings me to my request. You’ve created a glossary for those of us who need to expand our rolodexes, but you haven’t updated or expanded it in a long time. Please, help out a brother crypto-vendido and add some new Spanish language epithets to your glossary periodically. Yours in the despecho, born of ambición frustrada, sign me:

Frito Bandito (Cockney rhyming slang for “cripto-vendido”)

Dear Gabacho: BRAVO! Here I am, plugging the hell out of my new book, Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America—and you’re plugging the glossary for my ¡Ask a Mexican! tome! I should hire you to do publicity! But you bring up a great challenge, one I’m more than happy to extend to my readers. So, gentle readers: time to create a new glossary for this columna that’s the Mexi equivalent of The Devil’s Dictionary, something that’ll further teach gabas the essentials of us. Example: “Mujer: Mexican worker whose only purpose is to make sure fresh tortillas greet the familia daily.”

Surely, ustedes can do better than me! Start sending them in, and I’ll compile the best in an upcoming column!

BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Readers: Talk about a lazy Mexican—nearly four years after promising ustedes that I was going to write a book about the history of Mexican food in the United States, my Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America is getting released this week! April 10! 300+ pages of astounding history (did you know the first famous Mexican-food restaurateur was Buffalo Bill Cody?), delicious food (bacon-wrapped hot dogs are Mexican? You know it!), and avaricious gabachos making millions off the foodstuff of anonymous Mexis! I’ll most likely be invading your town soon with a trunkful of books; find out more information for booksignings at my website, or in this column. In the meanwhile, buy Taco USA at your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but buy it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies!

In honor of this momentous occasion, we turn the columna over to comida.

Dear Mexican: Am I the only one that gets ticked off when I see all these food trucks riding around selling Korean, Chinese, Brazilian, etc., food when all I see when I look at the menu is Mexican food? They’ll mostly sell burritos, tacos, quesadillas, etc. All they do is change the fillings and don’t even give credit to Mexicans! For example…Kogi Korean BBQ? Why not call it Kogi Korean BBQ Tacos and Burritos or something like that? Even better: Kogi Mexican-Korean Food! Their whole menu revolves around Mexican food! I thought whites were the only ones that appropriate Mexican food when they try to claim chili (con carne) as their own. Now Koreans and others are getting into the act.

Lonchera Lover

Dear Wab: What did Koreans ever do to you, güey? Did some hot-ass chinita reject you because her parents thought you were a cholo, damn your master’s degree (happened to the Mexican—true story!). If the luxe loncheras that now dominate America’s big metro regions really wanted to disappear the Mexican roots of their comida, they wouldn’t be serving burritos, tacos, or quesadillas—they’d call them “wraps,” “cornmeal pinchers,” and “cheese turnovers,” respectively. Instead, all I ever see them do is change the first part of the name but keep the Mexi vessel—and Mexican food, like Mexis, are fundamentally malleable and no le vale madre about strict taxonomies. The only problem you should have with these luxe loncheras are the efforts by bureaucrats and wimpy brick-and-motor restaurant owners to shut down them and their Mexi hermanos—other than that, if you don’t like gabas going Mexi with their food, leave them to their $8 “gourmet” tacos and find the lonchera with the two-tacos-for-a-buck and a free drink.

So various regions of the U.S. are known for specific styles of food. Cajun cuisine, Texas barbecue, New York or Chicago pizza, etc. Seeing as how Mexico is a pretty expansive nation as well, I wondered how wildly regional specialties might vary in different areas, and if you could name any tasty treats those regions claim to do best.

Looking for More than a Combo Plate

Dear Gabacho: Space doesn’t permit the Mexican to list the multitude of regional varieties of Mexican food in the motherland, so I’ll instead give a shoutout to my compa, Bill Esparza, a professional musician by trade who moonlights as America’s greatest expert on regional Mexican treats on his blog, Street Gourmet LA (www.streetgourmetla.com) This is a man who has been smuggling gabachos into Baja California to eat the dazzling food of that region long before Rick Bayless and his ilk knew the difference between aguachile and chile con carne. In the meanwhile, make sure to check out Taco USA for the many regional styles of Mexican food in this country, from Tex-Mex to Cal-Mex to Sonoran, New Mexican and…Den-Mex?! All in the book, cabrones—buy it!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL SPANISH SLANG EDITION

Dear Mexican: Stop using Spanish in your column. I like reading your column, but when every other word is in Spanish, I don’t know what the hell is going on. It makes you sound like that nerdy kid who uses big words to try and sound impressive. Don’t be lazy, and just write a good column.

Lazy Gabacho

Dear Gabacho: Primeramente, I AM that nerdy kid—except when I use grande words, I sound like a nerd and not impressive. Secondly, don’t be flojo. Since I know most gabachos no hablan, I use Spanish sparingly, judiciously, so that even the most pendejo American can understand it. Since you’re a fan of the columna, you’re not tan dumb—but wake up and smell the tacos, cabrón, and learn español from mi column. Bilingualism is a wonderful thing, and studies are continually showing it leads to bigger brains and healthier sex lives. After all, better you learn from yo than the coming imposition of mandatory dual-immersion programs that the Reconquista will institute ala what’s already slowly happening in California under threat of eating your heart—oops, did I just say that out loud?

What’s up with substituting “k” for “qu”? Is this like the confusion of “v” and “b,” or is this some youth fad, or laziness? I’ve started reading some Mexican crime blogs and noticed this practice in the comments sections.

Ke Paza

Dear Gabacho: Natural evolution of language, is all—but don’t take it from me. I turn the columna over to Kirsten Silva Gruesz, professor of literature at the University of California, Santa Cruz, and a chingona who’s working on a book about the history of Spanish in the United States with the awesome tentative title, Bad Lengua. “K linda la pregunta!” the profe responds. “Your reader is right that standard Spanish doesn’t use ‘k’ except in foreign words. But substituting ‘k’ for the proper ‘qu’ was a way to flaunt authority long before the rise of cell phones: young Basques would spell Castilian words with a ‘k’ in homage to their own language, Euskara, which has plenty of k’s and which the Spanish government used to suppress. Some of that counter-cultural feeling (think of those anarchist signs denouncing ‘Amerika’) has carried over to virtual youth hangouts like Internet message boards. But Spanish texters all over the world have also taken to the ‘k.’ Y? bkz its ezr. (By the way, you can blame the Romans for this whole mess: they used ‘k,’ ‘q’ and ‘c’ to represent the same sound, depending on where it landed in a word. The Castilians tried to clean up their spelling during the Renaissance and make it more consistent with pronunciation, which is more than you can say for the English!)”

Gracias, profe! Parents: send your Mexi kids to UC Santa Cruz—some great academic desmadre being raised in them thar hills.

PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Dear Mexican: I was born in los estados unidos, my father Tamaulipas, and my mother is a third-generation Chicana. Being married to a mexicano, we recently vacationed in his hometown of Apatzingan, Michoacán. It was my first time meeting my in-laws and everyone from his colonia. It seems I got the evil staredown and was being asked all kinds of questions to prove my mexicanana-ness from all his primas, tias and friends. They couldn’t wait for me to fuck up a word in Spanish and asked if I cooked, liked banda music, and knew how to make tortillas. I answered that I worked full time, make an okay mole de pollo, like all kinds of music except for banda and that I buy my tortillas from the supermarket.
However, I got the impression it wasn’t enough; I felt I am not a real Mexicana to them. After expressing this to my husband, all he could say was that I am not a Mexican, I am a Chicana, and that’s different. We are different people, but how different can we really be? Will mexicanos ever see Chicanos as equals? Will I never be seen as an equal by my Mexican in-laws, or will they eventually see that the only difference between us is my mom gave birth to me north of the frontera? It seems there is a thick line drawn between those of us born north and south of the Mexican-American border. I can handle discrimination from gabachos or any other race (shit, I’m used to it by now) but this—this is really unjust. Why do men and women from Mexico seems to consider themselves superior than Chicanos?

Puzzled Chicana

Dear Pocha: Next time some wab gives you grief about not being Mexican enough, just tell them you have the best of both worlds: you’re Mexican AND American—while they’re just…Mexicans.

I hear a lot of accordion-heavy music on Spanish-language radio. Do Mexican women go crazy for accordionists like white girls do for guitarists? White women are reverse-attracted to guys who can play the accordion really well—to them, it’s the same as guys who can play Dungeons and Dragons really well, at least in the paleface tribe I pow-wow with. Can my musical skills translate into muchos mujeres?

A 40 and an Accordion

Dear Gabacho: Time was when the accordion player was the papi chulo of the Mexican regional music world, but tuba players have usurped the position in the past couple of years for banda music and that horrible-sounding banda-conjunto norteño pendejada. Unfortunately, the instrument’s elevated status has led to a rash of tuba thefts from high schools and junior highs by aspiring tuba players who usually target Mexican-heavy schools and therefore screw over youngsters whose band departments can’t afford tubas in these Great Recession times. Moral of the story? As the question before, sometimes, the worst enemy of Mexicans are…Mexicans. La raza unida and all that jamas shit, cabrones.

PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I work for a major news organization and often have heard the figure of 10 million illegal Mexicans. Unofficially, I have been quoted the number 20 to 25 million illegals, most of them not Mexican. From experience with the government, I would say these numbers are low. Why the focus on the Mexicans? They are far less alien than the Asians or Africans not to mention the Guatemalans. Explain?

Muy Smart Man

Dear MSM: Trying to figure out how many illegal immigrants are in this country is like trying to determine who invented the margarita, or what happened to Carlos Mencia. The long-accepted figure was 12 million undocumented folks in this country, until the Great Recession hit and dropped the number to somewhere between 10 and 11 million. Of that figure, it’s generally accepted that Mexicans make up between half and two-thirds of the figure. Further complicating the matter is that differing numbers get spat out by organizations with political agendas, whether left (Pew Hispanic Center), right (U.S. government), or pinche puto pendejo baboso (FAIR). My suggestion? Don’t even care about how many mojados are in this country—just accept the Reconquista, and be at peace with America’s new reality. Of course, America isn’t, and that’s why you see the obsession with Mexis instead of those rapacious Canadian illegals.

It seems like all the discussion about Mexican immigration centers on “illegal,” low-wage workers. But as part of NAFTA, many well-educated Mexicans have the right to work in the U.S. without restriction via the TN-1 visa. This sort of immigration seems to have no press, and a spin around Google doesn’t show any web sites discussing this other than ones covering the mechanics of the process. Why isn’t this kind of immigration more visible? Any sense of how big it is? Has it had an effect in Mexico, either in a brain drain to the U.S., or just in encouraging more people to go into the sciences because of the ability to work internationally? Are the Mexicans complaining we’re stealing all their best people? (That’s the secret plan, isn’t it? We grab your land, then your people: soon all of Mexico will be ours!)

IT Gabacho

Dear Gabacho: The number of Mexicans who have entered this country under a TN visa have increased dramatically, from 168 in 1997 to 3,376 in 2010, according to numbers kept by the U.S. State Department’s Bureau of Consular Affairs. Mexico has a proud tech industry—the Mayans, after all, invented the concept of zero and were space travelers (and let’s not even get into their scary-ass accurate calendar—and such opportunities will only increase as Mexico becomes more wired and less dependent on Carlos Slim for their tech needs. You don’t hear about this type of migration because smart Mexicans don’t exist in the American mind. And I wish the TN visa was the main reason for the Mexican brain drain, but a narco war will do that to a country.

PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’m so perplexed by my Mexican neighbor. For one, he already has four girls, and I just saw his wife—and looks like she’s pregnant AGAIN! What really bothers me is that I live in an affordable housing unit. The rent is cheap and based on our income. He has a new Ford F150 truck and his wife drives an older model BMW. Well, what bugs the hell out of me is that he digs in the apartment complex trashcans every freakin’ day. I live in a large complex where there are about six trash bins. Every morning, before he takes his girls to school, he digs in all of them for recyclables.

I wonder if I’m just jealous, because he must make like $300 a week on all the stuff he recycles, but it really bugs me. If he’s so freakin’ poor and digging in the trash for an occupation, why must he still continue to bring more children into the world? The city I live in has a No Scavenging Law. I really want to report him, but I feel guilty. I feel like I should let him keep digging in the trash, since he has a family to feed. Also, I guess I’m nosey too, ‘cause I wonder if they work? I don’t think they do, and I wonder if they’re abusing welfare? And I wonder how many freakin’ girls he’s going to have before he gives up his dream on having a son.

Okay, well, I hope you can help me with this issue. Am I evil? Should I care less? Help.

Pocha Cabrona in Chino

Dear Pocha: You’re not evil, chula: just pendeja. You—an assimilated Mexican-America—still have to live in affordable housing? So much for breaking the stereotypes of Mexicans as lazy peons. Meanwhile, that wab that bugs you so much is hustling, digging through garbage for a couple of extra bucks—it’s obviously working out good, since he’s living a better life than your floja ass. Who cares if he wants to have more kids? That’s his decision, not yours. Maybe you’d be better off in life if you picked through trash—but I’m sure you think that’s beneath you. Meanwhile, you’re wondering if your Mexican neighbor is on welfare when YOU are on the government queso. My immigrant parents, who always scrimped and saved and bought massive trucks and SUVs because no honorable hombre should ever leave home without one, never took a dime—that is beneath them, since that’s such an American thing to do. If ever there were a case for Mexicans to not allow their children to assimilate, you’d be the poster niña, pendeja.

I got asked to participate in a Internet radio show where I, as an alleged (mostly by me) Mexican comedian, will be asked questions like, “Why are Mexicans so funny?” Since I’m as Mexican as a Del Taco stand, I defer to you for some insight and wisdom that I can share to the show’s four audience members.

Tommy Milagro

Dear Wab: Have you talked to our pocho cousins? A veritable Comstock lode of material for ridicule there!

PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

    Dear Mexican: Aunqué soy Boricua, mi corazón está al lado del pueblo mejicano, aquí en Arizona. ¿Porqué no hablas contra “La Bruja Mala del Oeste” Gobernadora Jan Brewer, “El Leon Cobarde” Ex-Senador Russell Pearce, “El Hombre Hecho de Lata” Alguacil del Condado Maricopa Joe Arpairo, “El Hombre Hecho de Paja” Abogado General Tom Horne y en final, “El Brujo de OZ” Superintendente de Instrucción Pública John Huppenthal?

Somos Quien Somos

Dear Gabachos: You don’t need a Spanish-English dictionary or your pocho coworker to figure out what the question above refers to: the continued insanity that is Arizona. We’ve covered its pendejos throughout the years, especially Horne and Huppenthal, who earlier this year declared the Mexican-American Studies program at the Tucson Unified School District illegal because it doesn’t hew to the traditional view in American history that teaches Mexicans are shiftless, lazy rapists. Part of that effort was to boot out of Tucson schools books ranging from Shakespeare’s The Tempest to Pulitzer Prize winner Junot Diaz’s Drown to works by authors ranging from Sandra Cisneros, Sherman Alexie and even Howard Zinn. They’re banning American history inTucson! In other news, Satan called: the Prince of Darkness wants his disciples to join him back in Hell.

    BUY BANNED BOOKS! On that level, let me turn the columna over to two worthy projects designed to blast past this Tucson pendejada. The first plug goes to the SouthWest Organizing Project, the fine cabrones y cabronas from Albuquerque behind 500 Years of Chicano History, one of the books targeted by the Arizona Know Nothings for daring to show that Mexican history in the Southwest wasn’t all about sleeping peons under cactuses or Spanish missions. They’re selling the book at a 50 percent discount rate to all Arizonans and will give the book away for FREE to any Arizonan student who writes a letter “describing why they think the teaching of Chicano and Native American history accurately to young people is essential,” according to their website. More info available at chicanohistory.org.

The other great effort is by my Houstonamigos over at Nuestra Palabra. One of them, Tony Diaz, has assumed a new persona: El Librotraficante, who’ll set up underground libraries in Houston, San Antonio, Albuquerqueand Tucsonthat’ll host the banned books and other books by writers of color and their down gabacho compatriots. They want to collect a complete set of banned libros for each underground library, and donate extra copies to public libraries once each community is safely set with a collection that the Gestapo can’t access. People who want to help—and chingón writers who want to donate a set of their work—can learn more at librotraficante.com.

    PREORDER TACO USA! The Mexican will donate muchos copies of his two previous books to the Librotraficante’s efforts—how’s that for a segue into my obligatory plug for the latest one? Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at mailto:themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

 By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’ve tried and failed to learn the Spanish language for the last two years. During high school and college, I took both Spanish I and Spanish II, but nothing really stuck with me. Last year, I visited a Spanish-speaking church to help immerse myself in the language, but only understood about 10% of the message. Also, I tried to watch the available Spanish channels at home, but 90% of the programs don’t appeal to me (although I do enjoy the luchadores). Also, I’m terribly introverted and don’t have any bilingual friends. It’s unfathomable to me to approach someone and say, “I’m looking to learn the language. Can you help me out?”

I live and work in an environment where the need to speak Spanish is nearly non-existent. I’m thinking about signing up for another college-level course, but without finding an anchor to the culture, I’m afraid of failure again. To help, I enjoy comic books, crime fiction/movies, sci-fi, and literary short stories. Please help me cross over the language wall and into the freedom of being bilingual.

Altruistic Alabaman

Dear Gabacho: Primeramente, good for you for not being afraid of Spanish like your gabacho neighbors—you’re like the último of the Mohicans with your raza over there in Alabama! Acquiring a new language is never easy, especially when you’re an adult, so the Mexican’s suggestion is to not give up on your path. Continue to immerse yourself—television (I know Univisión is really just a looping minstrel show, but their news operation is top-notch), church, books and the like. Better yet, why don’t you connect with one of the many immigrant-rights groups in the Cotton State fighting the good fight against the state’s reprehensible anti-Mexican laws? Not only will they be more than happy to teach you español, but you’ll be doing the Lord’s work and most likely end up with a cute Chicana activist who’ll take your bilingualism to a whole other level. Enjoy!

How is the singer Taco like a taco? If Taco were a taco, what kind of taco would Taco be? When I listen to Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz” and it gets stuck in my head, it’s like when I eat carne asada tacos and it gets stuck between my teeth insofar as it starts out awesome and ends up annoying.

Nom Nom Nom de Plume

Dear Gabacha: “Taco” is Taco’s first name: Taco Ockerse, the 1980s one-hit wonder who went by Taco as his stage name. Not being fluent in Bahasa Indonesia, I can’t tell you what that taco means, but the taco you taco taco taco taco. Taco? Taco! ¡A LA CHINGADA CON ARPAYASO!

PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Dear Mexican: This question was inspired by the recent video you did on the Republicanos and the Latina/o vote. What’s your opinion of Cuban-American and Tea Party cariñito Marco Rubio? All this talk about him being the “Hispanic” savior of the Republican Party by being the vice-presidential nominee is getting to me. Are Latina/o voters that ignorant to vote for someone as hypocritical to serious issues that conscious gente care about, like say small businesses, poverty, education, health care….híjole, I think I’m forgetting one here…oh yeah: IMMIGRATION! This guy is just a vendido that has dollar signs lightening up his cara de tonto. Should progressive Latina/os be concerned about this pretty boy? Estoy precupado, and I can’t enjoy my café con pan tostado in the morning with this guy getting closer to the White House.

Bothered in Boyle Heights

Dear Wab: Are you kidding me? Conscious Xicanos like you and I should be THRILLED at the prospect of Rubio running as the VP on the GOP presidential ticket! Such a move will prove once and por siempre that the Republicans only care about Latino as tokens. How else can you explain the rapid ascendancy of Rubio, a no-name Florida state representative until Tea Partiers embraced him in 2010 during his U.S. Senate run so no one could accuse them of being anti-Latino? He’s yet to do anything of any substance in Washington other than read talking points about liberty this and chinga Obama that; if a Reep presidential candidate chose Rubio, it’d obviously only be to not only shield themselves from anti-Latino accusations (look: we have a brownie!), but to also use the anti-amnesty, anti-DREAM Act coño hypocrite to act as their attack dog against charges of racism (our policies aren’t racist because our brownie says so!). Rubio reminds me of PRI presidential candidate Enrique Peña Nieto: both are pretty boys with caca-eating grins and intellects the size of a black bean who are embarrassments to their proud people but darlings of the 1 percent. Mexi voters will see through the GOP’s pendejoand vote for the only presidential candidate that truly has our interests in mind: Alfred E. Neuman.

I travelled to Juarez to see the Real Mexico, and boy was I disappointed. Not a single man in white pajamas with his donkey leaning against a cactus. No women with a basket of fruit on their head. To show how I loved their culture I mentioned Speedy Gonzales and the Frito Bandito, but people looked at me funny. No one accosted me on the street with “Hey Meestair, for ten bucks you can fuck my mother; she’s a virgin.” Where do I go for a taste of the Real Mexico?

Donkey Show Devotee

Dear Gabacho: Try the minds of Hollywood executives.

PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libroeditor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: My family for six generations have been born and raised in Brownsville, Texas. Everyone speaks Spanish most of the time. Right now, almost every Republican in the state is trying to get redistricting to the finish line to cut out the bumper crop of Mexican-American candidates from coming up. They passed voter ID laws recently, and you begin to get the idea after a few citizen deportations to Mexico that the Texan Republican legislature doesn’t really like us.

Ron Paul has gotten some trace traction with Puerto Ricans and Florida Hispanics recently. That doesn’t fix the fact that all of his homies in Texas who have voted for him every year HATE LOCAL HISPANICS. His rhetoric sounds good sometimes because it seems so constitutional. Can you take a quick look at his immigration and border policies and tell me what kind of mess it would make (or not) for a Mexican-American to pick Ron Paul, much less ANYONE, in the GOP?

Valley Vato

Dear Wab: I actually know more than a few Mexicans who are Ron Paul supporters (shout-out to P. Sergio!) because—as I’ve noted many times before—Mexicans are natural libertarians: want the government out of their lives, hate the drug war, and love money. But when it comes to the issue of immigration, Paul is two tacos short of a combo plate. For a man who believes in open commerce, he wants to severely regulate immigration. For someone who believes in people being able to determine their own lives free of governmental diktat, he doesn’t support the DREAM Act and wants to repeal birthright citizenship. For someone so right-on about America’s imperial wars, he’d have America’s military patrol the U.S-Mexico border. That Ron Paul’s immigration policy is basically no different than that of his Republican colleagues in the face of an otherwise-impressive policy platform is costing him millions of Mexi votes and is the biggest disappointment a liberty-loving Mexican has faced since the Mexican national soccer team.

Unlike many gabachas living in Tucson, I love living in a bilingual city and am trying to learn to speak better Spanish. Because of this, I am watching a lot of Spanish-language television. My problem? I am a science fiction nerd. Although I enjoy the novelas, horror movies, and gameshows, I haven’t found any good science fiction shows to watch. I see lots of Mexicans at comic book/sci-fi cons/movies, and superhero and Star Wars cosplay seems popular with the kids, so the genre must have enough fans to support some programs. So where can I look for Spanish shows with spaceships and lots of pew-pew-pew?

Where No Gabacha Has Gone Before

Dear Gabacha: Gracias for reminding us that normal gabachos live in Tucson and the city’s isn’t composed of spree killers and Know Nothings who ban Mexican-American studies and books by Sherman Alexie from schoolchildren lest Mexi kids learn and shit. As for your query: I take it you haven’t mined the canon of Santo, the legendary silver-masked wrestler? He fought diabolical brains, evil brains, and plain ol’ invading Martians when not fending off vampire women and other horror tropes. There was a chingón 2008 indie movie, Sleep Dealer, that was like Blade Runner meets Born in East LA, and UCLA had a film retrospective of Mexican sci-fi from the 1950s a couple of years ago. But the greatest example of Mexican sci-fi, as you noted, is the Star Wars galaxy—I’ll leave people with the examples of Chuy Baca and Arturito and leave ustedes to divine the rest!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

Dear Mexican: My cousin had put a picture on Facebook that said, “I will not be forced to learn a foreign language to accommodate illegals in my country.” He’s Mexican-American. Our family is from La Luz, Zacatecas, and its surrounding villages. His dad (my uncle) was born here in El Paso, Texas. His mom jumped in the conversation and backed him up. His parents are divorced. How do I politely tell them they are wrong with their way of thinking?

Prepared to Punch a Pinche Pocho Primo

Dear Wab: Sorry, cabrón, but you’re just not going to win this battle. As much as I and other Chicano yaktivists would love it that everyone of Mexican descent in this country were a card-carrying member of the Reconquista complete with Nahuatl names and a Frida-filled house, that’s just not going to happen. As I’ve explained muchos times before, the great thing about this country is how it can turn the descendents of even the biggest wab into an anti-immigrant loon by the second generation (see: Marco Rubio) and even by the first (see: my parents). The best you can tell your cousin is remind him that your grandparents came to this country to find a better life, not to talk trash on those less fortunate than them—but, again, it’s a losing battle that goes contrary to the American immigrant experience, which sees the previous generation of immigrants spit on newcomers as if they were a spittoon. So can I suggest something revolutionary, instead? Leave your primo to his opinions. Let him be a prieto Know Nothing. You be the conscious cousin, and let him be the pocho one—trust me, you’ll get all the hot second cousins at the family pachangas, while he’ll be condemned to be the Tio Taco of El Paso.

You explain the etymology of words so well! Please enlighten your readers with the explanation of the word prieto, as opposed to moreno.

La Que le Gustan los Morenos

Dear She Who Likes Brown-Skinned Men: Prieto is derived from apretar (“press”), from the Late Latin appectorâre (“to press against one’s chest“), but in Mexico it denotes a dark hue, one veering on blackness. Moreno, on the other hand, comes from moro, the Spanish word for Moor, and usually signifies a dark brown—you know, like a Moor! (How we got prieto to mean “blackish” from its pressing roots escapes me). But these are general definitions, as their meaning shifts across the color prism depending on who’s talking and what century. In the present day, prieto is usually reserved as a term for parents to describe their darkest-skinned kid, a description as injurious to a young soul as calling them “tubby” or “Newt Gingrich.”

CONFIDENTIAL TO: Vickie Carr. I’ve received autographed books by legendary playwright David Mamet, was able to interview Louie Perez and David Hidalgo of Los Lobos in front of a live audience in Oakland, have had Cheech Marin enthusiastically shake my hand and proclaim himself a fan—the celebrity readers of this columna and their generosity toward me knows no bounds. But to get an autographed glossy photo of you thanking me for my work? You’ve made this hombre blush enough to last the year. Gracias for the kind words, and for being such a great role model for our community. ¡Eres chingona!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: It’s so sad to see your wimpy answers. Your replies scream self-hatred and self-shame for your raza. You’re pathetic! No plan or desire to fix Mexico’s problems. You’re a puto with no huevos. My DREAM Act would be that you Mexicans would stop groveling to gringos, and scream about fixing Mexico, like WHITE PEOPLE did against the Iron Curtain thing. ONLY THEN will your Mexican self-shaming and self-hatred of your un-macho, puto, groveling raza change to real pride, which you know you deserve, like gringos got about America.

Groveling is Puto Stuff

Dear Gabacho: Groveling? Chulo, this is the only column in the country that refers to gabachos as gabachos instead of the candy-ass “gringo” like your gabacho ass uses. No desire to fix Mexico? What’s billions of dollars of remittances, then—or the Reconquista, for that matter? Or those marches of millions rallying for amnesty? That’s a movement as epic as Solidarity or glasnot (and last I checked, a chingo of Eastern Bloc refugees worked from los Estados Unidos to liberate their homelands). Pride for America? All I hear from Know Nothings is how horrible the U.S. is, yet they do nothing to improve it other than rant—they sound just like Mexicans used to until we started doing instead of crying. Self-hatred and self-shame? The only thing this Mexican is ashamed of is his panza—and even then, it’s a panza more glorious in its contentment and fire than any gabacho panza can ever hope to attain. Huevos that, pendejo.

Cada día me and my perro Manchas go for an afternoon walk in this North Denver parque. We often pass the gringo gentry who are temporarily “improving” the neighborhood as an investment. You know how the gentry are—they move into the barrio but send their precious güeritos to the charter schools so they won’t get piojos from our kids or wind up pregnant with half-brown babies. Anyway, I swear, every time me and Manchas pass one of these purebred, hyper-trained gentry dogs, the owners pull their pinches perros away from mine so they can’t sniff cola or . . . you know. He’s a “purebred” Australian Cattle Dog (simón, a canine mestizo) and came off a reservation. But I bathe him once a year, brush him daily—más o menos—and he doesn’t even have piojos. Me, either.

I guess my queston is: how can the gentry know that he’s Spanish- surnamed, bilingual and mestizo, since they’ve even never talked to us? And is there anything I can do so Manchas doesn’t grow up with a pocho complex and think he’s inferior to a gringo’s dog?

Yankee Hipsters Go Home!

Dear Wab: Gotta pay our respect to our veteranos—they can ramble as awesomely as any gabacho at a retirement home! I think what you’re complaining about is the gentrification of historically Mexican neighborhoods by hipsters, a phenomenon happening everywhere from Denver to Los Angeles, SanTana to Chicago and beyond. It’s important to fight the encroachment of pendejos with no ties to the area who start demanding changes—get rid of quinceañera shops, of crowing roosters, of cars parked on lawns or corn grown in the backyard and nopales in the front. At the mismo time, though, raza really angry with gentrification should practice gente-fication, the process of young locals getting over their pocho complex opening their own businesses to pump enough money back into the area so that city bureaucrats don’t have any excuse to use the ruse of redevelopment on raza. Think of that strategy as our economic Mexican-American War—and if there are hipsters who are respectful of the old guard, like the San Patricios that joined our side against the invading Yankees so long ago, then I say embrace their ranks, pound a PBR with them, and teach them the secrets of scaring insufferable hipsters away from the barrio by blasting Banda El Recodo at all hours of the noche.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL MORMON EDICIÓN

Dear Readers: I usually save reruns of my columna for when I have to smuggle in the latest cousin from the rancho, but the ascendancy of Republic presidential candidate Mitt Romney must be addressed—namely, that he’s half-Mexican. The lamestream media is treating this as a revelation—never mind that I addressed this issue during the last presidential campaign. Not only that, many voters fear Romney’s Mormon faith. Pendejos: that’s the least-scary part of the Romney agenda. So, sin further ado, here’s my PSA for Mitt to clear up any confusion—hope you don’t win, but I’ll expect the ambassadorship to Guatemala for this service if my candidate Alfred E. Neuman doesn’t triumph, cabrón.

Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6, “There shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord.” I want as many Mexicans in this country as possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come on down—you are welcome by me.

Love My Brown Brothers

Dear Gabacho: Gracias for your welcoming heart, even if your ulterior motive is stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin of Guadalupe for a religion in which Jell-O is the only allowable narcotic. While we’re talking about Moroni worshipers, can you do me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why he’s such an ingrate toward Mexicans? After all, Romney probably would’ve been some Jack Mormon jerk-off if it weren’t for porous fronteras and living in violation of a country’s laws. His great-grandfather Miles Park Romney fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while Mitt’s papi, George, was born in Chihuahua and therefore is more Mexican than your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa’s troops were kind enough to not massacre Mormon colonies during the Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to return home and ensure Mitt’s Brilliantined hair would grace America. One final point, Brown Brothers: por favor, tell Mitt and all other Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for illegals. The above quote you cited came from the Second Book of Nephi and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it? 2 Nephi 1:5 tells the Saints that Lehi prophesied about America, “Yea, the Lord hath covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord.” Here that, Mitt? Let my gente go—into the United States for the free health care, por supuesto.

I heard Mormonism is a quickly spreading religion down in ye olde Mexico. What is it about this religion that a lot of Mexicans find so fascinating?

Jack Mormón

DEAR Gabacho: Historically? Mexico has long had the second-largest community of Mormons in the world after the United States—official LDS figures estimate 1.2 million members live in Mexico, a significant increase from the 783,000 estimated in 1999. This community has existed for almost 135 years, created after polygamous Mormons who wanted to keep their multiple wives moved down south because, hey, anything goes down Mexico way, right? Sociologically? Mormons are masters of proselytizing—the increase in numbers “shows that a church group can produce a short-term phenomenal growth rate by committing resources to missionary activity,” according to Professor James W. Dow in his 2003 scholarly paper “The Growth of Protestant Religions In Mexico and Central America.” Theologically? My understanding of Mormonism is that it places an emphasis on the family, encourages couples to have as many children as possible, stresses the dominion of the husband over the family and hates homosexuals. If those attributes aren’t appealing to Mexicans, then I’m Moroni himself.

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 By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: How come Mexicans don’t perform in the Winter Olympics? What—no talent? Or are Mexicans afraid of snow? I’m thinking both. Also, Mexicans don’t do too well in the Summer Olympics, either—they even suck in soccer. There is plenty of snow in Mexico, so don’t use that excuse.

Dumber, Stupider, Pendejo-er

Dear Gabacho: Lies, all lies. Mexico did participate in the 2010 Winter Olympics, in the form of some fresa Alpine skier named Hubertus von Hohenlohe, who got worldwide attention because—chingao!—he was a Mexican in the Winter Olympics. Sure, Mexico is no Norway and does have snow, but take a look at the map of the world, find the countries sharing Mexico’s latitude, and you’ll see few, if any of them participate in the Winter Olympics, let alone medal. As for the summer Olympics, Mexico had as many medalists—three—as India, and as many gold medals (two) as Argentina and Cuba, two Latin American countries that spend muchos pesos on their Olympic programs. Why the relative subpar showings? The answer is in this joke: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all the people who could run, jump, and swim are already in the United States.

I’m a white American woman. My ex-boyfriend (who I have a son by) refuses to acknowledge any of his Mexican heritage. He was born in Los Angeles, his mother in Texas, his father in Ohio, and his grandparents in Mexico. His parents both speak Spanish but mostly choose to use English; meanwhile I know more Spanish (which isn’t very much) than my ex! He acts as if Mexicans are stupid and not worthy of being any part of him. My son is blessed with a tan all year round, dark brown eyes and dark coarse hair, yet I’m the one who sees the beauty in this, not his father. He has said proudly that he wishes he would have a child with light hair and blue eyes. How could he be so self-hating, when he made such a beautiful child? I’m concerned that my son will grow up denying this very important part of him, all because his father has a distorted self-image. What can I do to make sure my son accepts himself and embraces what he partially came from?

REAL Mexican-Loving Gabacha

Dear Gabacha: Self-hate has always played a role in the Mexican psyche (read the works of Nobel laureate Octavio Paz for classical insight)—but that doesn’t mean your hijo needs to fall into that vicious cycle. Not sure of your arrangement with your pendejo of an ex (dual custody? Visitation rights? Itinerant?), but the important thing for you to do is inculcate your son with Mexican culture. Sing him the songs of Cri-Cri, the Mexican version of Doctor Seuss. Have him watch Dora the Explorer, and that other show with her Diego sidekick, whoever the hell he is. Indulge hi with Sesame Street, which has been loving Mexican culture ever since Linda Ronstadt sang ranchera classics with a Muppet mariachi, as iconic a cultural validation moment for my generation of Mexicans as the Supremes singing at the Copacabana. Graduate him into age-appropriate material (modern-day Mexican music, sexycomedias, Sabado Gigante) when applicable. And tell your ex to man up—just because he’s a self-hating Mexican, just because he got shit from his generation of playground racists, doesn’t mean he has to ruin it for his morenito. It’s the 21st Reconquista century, for chrissakes, not the era of the castas.

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By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: In my hometown of Playa Larga (Long Beach, California), natives refer to a major avenida in our villa, Junipero Avenue (named for Father Junipero Serra, accused native genocider, a candidate for sainthood—but I digress) as Juan-a-pear-o. There is no “Juan” in Junipero, but that’s how everyone in this town pronounces it. People who reside on the street, real estate agents, residents, business owners—I even heard a former mayor pronounce it that way. Why do white Americans (and even some Guatemalan-Americans) bend over backwards to pronounce Junipero as Juan-a-pear-o to sound like they know how to pronounce it like a Spanish speaker, yet it is the most garbled malapropism of the word (should be pronounced ‘hoo-NEE-pear-o’)?

Hombre Blanco de Playa Larga

Dear Gabacho from Long Beach: Gotta say that in my lifetime of living in Southern California, I’ve never heard nadie pronounce Junipero like you say people mispronounce it—the malapropism I hear is “June-IH-pear-oh,” a fascinating medley of the proper accent placement on the third-to-last syllable in Junípero’s Spanish incarnation and a rigid following of English grammatical structure. Thus is the wonderful world of the grammatical gabacho colonizing of the American Southwest, where Yankees decided to keep many of the original Spanish names of territories, cities and geographical landmarks but Anglicize them— “Tex-as” instead of Teh-haas,” “Loss An-ju-less” instead of “Loce AHNG-heh-less,” or “A-ri-zone-ah” instead of “Hell-on-Earth” (okay, in fairness to the Sonora dog, just the parts of the state where Arpayaso and Brewer roam). Custodians of Cervantes, of course, cringe at gabachos mongrelization of Spanish-language place names, and that’s a beautiful thing: remember that one of the few cardinal rules of this columna is that language is fluid, and anyone who tries to box it in or gets their chonis in a bunch about it as deluded as Rick Santorum.

Why is every overweight, tattooed, goateed, bead-wearing, late-model-Tahoe-driving, non-educated enchilada in Texas a University of Texas fan? Why not A&M or Tech? Or Baylor (that’s obvious)? And one more thing: Please stop becoming belligerently drunk and taking it personal when the team on your Wal-Mart 3XL T-shirt loses. You have no personal ties with the team, so quit throwing up gang signs and using profanity in an atmosphere that’s meant to be fun. The drunk 19-year-old college kid means no harm when he screams, “Boomer!” so grow up and get a life.

Frustrated Educated Okie

Dear Gabacho: “Enchilada” as a slur against Mexicans? The 1950s called—they want their ethnic insult back. As for the fan question: same reason no one outside of Oklahoma gives a shit about the Sooners. Subway alumni like winners in football, and the Longhorns are the epitome of a winning program in the Lone Star State, while the Aggies, Red Raiders, UTEP Miners, Texas Christian University, the University of Houston, and Texas’ many other college football programs haven’t exhibited such gridiron dominance over the years. The Soooners haven’t dominated college football since the days of Barry Switzer—you really expect non-Okies to give a damn about a third-rate university that just played in something called the Insight Bowl? By the way, your Baylor dig is lost on me. Because Baylor is a private university? USC (the Trojans USC, not the Gamecocks one) is private and has more than a few wab alumni. Typical Sooner solipsism—but what else can we expect from a university that named itself after invading illegals? Go Cowboys (both the Dallas and Oklahoma State variants)!

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