By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL SAN DIEGO EDITION

Dear Mexican: By now, I’m sure you’re aware of all the hate crimes against Hispanics in the last few years. By now, I’m sure you’re thinking that this is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask a Hispanic! But let me tell you that all the hate crimes against Hispanics have been because they’ve been thought to be Mexican and at least half—if not more—of those hate crime victims have actually been Mexican. So, my question to you is: Can’t you pathetic losers defend yourselves? Not only do these white guys take your women, but they kick the crap out of you guys all over America. Take the Luis Ramirez incident from Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, for example. The racist pigs who fucked his ass up and killed him were found not guilty by an all-white jury. Why the hell didn’t the Mexicans of Shenandoah come together and riot? That little tiny hick of a town would have been burned to the ground in a matter of hours. I mean, I can see why they hate you people so much. You disgusting things come here illegally, you don’t bother to learn English and expect everybody else to learn Spanish. You guys like to use somebody else’s Social Security number to work. I can go on all day long with the shit you people do. Basically, you people like to milk the cow that is America, but you do not feed it. It seems you all are taking over the whole damn country! Yet it doesn’t give these racist cockroach motherfuckers the right to come after you all. Which brings me to my previous question: Why can’t you spineless wetbacks strike back?

Embarrassed to be Latino

Dear Wab: Nice to know Latinos can be as stupidly aggressive as the San Diego Minutemen! To quote ranchera icon Vicente Fernandez, “La migra a mi agarró/Trescientas veces, digamos/Pero jamas me domó/A mi me hizo los mandados/Los golpes que a mi me dío/Se los cobré a sus paisanos.” Translation for the gabachos and you, coño: better to beat bozos with punitive damages instead of putazos—the former hurt more!

I hear so many gringos saying that Mexican men are stinky and greasy! Well, I know from experience this is so not true! So what’s up with the misconception? I never met a greasy, stinky Mexican! And my mexicano novio is always very clean, never greasy and smells great! I am a gringa myself, so what’s wrong with my people? Why do they think this way about mexicanos?

La Gringita Bonita Dulcita

Dear Pretty, Sweet-Tasting Gabacha: The Mexican turns this question over to his Mexican, Dr. William Nericcio of San Diego State University, author of the scurrilous Tex(t)-Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the ‘Mexican’ in America: “Tales of ethnicities and nationalities being able to sense each other litter the history books and the floors of water coolers the world over; so it is that the Japanese can ‘smell’ Americans (apparently we OD on milk products producing an olfactory side-effect that floors Kyotans, Godzilla and more), Mengele and the Nazis could out a Jew on the spot with their rulers, calipers, and measurements tables; and, of course, Mexicans…well, we just plain stink. Or so the story goes. No doubt the shared wisdom that declares we stink derives from the same source that says we’re ‘dirty.’ Most, if not all of these tales derive from Pershing’s American Expeditionary force that invaded Northern Mexico (with Patton and Eisenhower along for the ride, no less) in 1916. American fools from Maine to Poughkeepsie took their jingoistic xenophobia with them to the lands of Zapata and Villa and came away convinced that Mexicans were dirty—in this regard, they mirrored the motherland’s, (England) view of the Spanish and joined a long tradition of loathing that characterizes the relationship between folks who speak English and those that prefer Spanish.” Translation or us proles: don’t gabachos stink to high heaven?

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/ask amexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

 Dear Mexican: When I was in high school, everyone called the Mexican students like myself “cheddars.” I’m not sure where this originated from, or what it really has to do with Mexican culture. When I have asked other Mexicans what this means, they are not sure, either. “Cheddar packing” is a term used to describe a car full of Mexicans. I hope you can answer this for me—muchas gracias!

Denver Doll

Dear Cheddar: “Cheddar” in the context you heard it has nothing to do with the sabrosísimo cheese but is rather the Denver way to call a Mexican a wab—which is to say, it’s a regional ethnophaulism (otherwise known as an ethnic slur) used to deride Mexicans as wetbacks. It’s a mongrelized form of the word ‘chero, itself a contraction of the word ranchero, literally meaning a rancher but in Mexican Spanish also denoting someone from the countryside. “Cheddar” is a prime example of how Mexican-hating is such an art form in the United States that it even has provincial variants—for instance, the “cheddar” of Chicago is “brazer” (short for bracero), nosotros in Orange County call our backwards Mexicans wabs, and cabrones in Oxnard, California deride wabby cheddars as TJs, the English acronym for Tijuana. “The number and nature of nicknames and particularly derogatory nicknames for particular ethnic groups in America is a reflection of the strengths of the ethnic conflicts in which they have been involved and the kinds of ill-feeling that such conflicts generate,” wrote Christie Davies in her 2002 study of ethnic humor, The Mirth of Nations.

 What’s most amazing about this American regional Mexi-bashing phenomenon is that these words find their most enthusiastic usage among the Mexican community. Even our intellectual giants play the juego — “What difference does it make, he was not anything but another brazer that could not speak English,” wrote Chicana author Sandra Cisneros in The House on Mango Street, her classic semi-autobiographical novel of fictional vignettes about growing up Mexican in Chicago. Everywhere the Mexican travels with his trusty burro to lecture, he asks the audience what’s their version of wab—and everywhere the Mexican goes, he learns a new anti-Mexican ethnophaulism. So, gentle readers: what do ustedes call the unassimilated Mexicans—the wabs and brazers and cheddars—in your city or region? Please mention the slur and where it’s used, and please refrain from nationally used slurs like beaner, wetback, cockroach, Mexican’t, mexcrement, and Guatemalan, The more regional, the better, and I’ll print the best results in a coming columna!

In the Jim Morrison biography, No One Here Gets Out Alive, the authors relate how, when the Doors played Mexico, they were amazed how crazed the Mexican men were for the Doors to perform their song “The End.” It was explained to the Doors that Mexican men loved the part of the song where Morrison sings of wanting to kill his father and fuck his mother. And, sure enough, when Morrison came to that part of the song in concert, the Mexican men in the audience loudly sang those murderous/incestuous lyrics themselves. What’s that all about?!

Curious Doors Fan

Dear Gabacho: It’s not the Oedipus complex in us, contrary to what the Lizard King’s Mexican handlers told him—it’s the melodrama. Hombres love the camp inherent to machismo, from moaning out “Llorar y llorar” (“Cry and cry”) in the José Alfredo Jiménez classic “El Rey” (The King) or singing all the stanzas of the Sartrean ditty “Un Puño de Tierra” (A Fistful of Dirt) while clutching their compa’s shoulders to openly crying while hearing “Canción Mixteca.” Mexicans love the Doors the same reason they adore ranchera singers—the combination of virility and vulnerability, the copious use of leather, the great music masking hysterics. By the way, gracias for accepting the Mexican love for the Doors and not dwelling on its seeming incongruity like so many gabachos do when they realize cheddars can like music that don’t involve Spanish lyrics, tubas, or songs about cockfights.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/ask amexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’m a pan blanco and my wife is puertorriqueña. Our son looks basically white, while a casual observer might admit that there is some Latin going on there. I’m not sure how this pertains to my question—it may or may not be worth mentioning. Our son is a high-functioning autistic 12-year old. The way he looks and behaves makes him a target for bullies. He is sweet and innocent. He doesn’t understand sarcasm or how to be cool. He studies hard and gets good grades. He is a classic four-eyed Harry Potter dork. He doesn’t bother anyone, but he gets teased and bullied by cruel classmates. It breaks my heart and makes me furious.

Today a bigger kid came up and twisted his arm behind him, causing him pain. After he told me about it and as I fought back tears of rage (and yes, I tell the authorities and they do what they can, but they can’t be everywhere at once), he asked me “Daddy, why is it that every time I’m bullied, it’s by a Mexican?”

I’m wondering the same thing. Every time, and I mean every single time, that he’s been bullied and tormented since we moved to California three years ago, it’s been a Mexican kid. Oh, and the Mexican students are in the minority in his school. A large minority, but a minority nonetheless. It’s not like he’s the only white kid in the yard. I’m truly at a loss as to why this seems to be so. Are all of these kids beaten by their fathers so they have to take it out on what they might perceive to be a pampered gringo? I’m guessing. Other than teach my kid how to defend himself, I don’t see what can be done about it.

Is it cultural? I wonder if you could suggest what I might say to my son to prevent him from hating Mexicans by the time he reaches adulthood, if not before. Or what I might say to myself, for that matter. Why is it always a Mexican kid tormenting my son? Every fuckin’ time. Why? I don’t like the dark place my mind is going to. Can you help me?

A Good Papi

Dear Readers: The more I think about this question, the more it saddens me—about the bullied kid, of course, but also about the father’s thought process. The dad’s not a racist pig—just an understandably upset papi. But pendejos exist in every ethnicity, and there’s no reason to use those fuck-ups to smear a group as a whole. It’s a natural inclination to do so, but a wrong one. To the dad: My best advice is to get on the school administration’s ass to protect your beautiful son. And trust me: at some point in his life, there’ll be a good Mexican kid who’ll kick the asses of those bullies like any good person would.

Whenever I read something of Mexican history, I’m always amazed at the variety of first names that apparently have no English equivalent. I’m only 40 pages into a book about Pancho Villa, and already I’ve seen such beauties as Indalecio, Fidencio, Maclovio, Nemesio and Belisario. I’ve tried Google but can’t seem to find a place where the origins of these names and their meanings can be found. Any suggestions?

Flummoxed in Flagstaff

Dear Gabacho: Try Google again. All the names you mentioned are the Hispanicized nombres of Catholic saints (respectively, Indalecio, Fidelis, Maclou, and Nemesius) with the exception of Belisario, which refers to the great Roman general Belisarius. Mexicans traditionally pulled their names from the Bible and the Papist calendar. This resulted in two separate celebrations for someone’s birth—the cumpleaños (the actual birthday) and the día de santo, the feast day of the saint corresponding to the person’s name; sometimes the twain did meet and knocked back Herradura. Those traditions and esoteric names are unfortunately disappearing, because American culture devours all. But you know what’s the weirdest male name I’ve heard? Susano. Etymology? From Susanna, obviously, but pinche clue how it became accepted for hombres…

Note: Gustavo will be at San Diego City College, as a part of the International Book Fair, Thursday, March 11 9:35-11:35 a.m., room D121A/B. It is open to the public and free.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/ask amexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

   Dear Mexican: I am a lifelong resident of Arizona and have worked side by side with illegals for 25 years as a bloquero. In all that time, I never knew ONE of them to be an aspiring American. In fact, their loyalties remain with their home states, they listen to mariachi and cumbia, and their trucks sport lots of Mexican flag bumper stickers. Most of all, they have kept our wages below the national average—just ask any construction worker. That’s supposed to be okay? Because they work dirt-cheap with no benefits? Wouldn’t opening the borders be a further reduction in quality of life for us American citizens who work beside these vatos? If I want to live in the Third World, I’ll move to Mexico.

Tucson Timmy

   Dear Gabacho: Y’know, that’s been the same argument used against immigrant laborers since Samuel Gompers was agitating to keep “Mongolians” from reaching our Pacific shores and railing about hordes of southeast Europeans destroying the gains that his American Federation of Labor made for the American working man. “The workers of America have felt most keenly the pernicious results of the establishment of foreign standards of work, wages and conduct in American industries and commerce,” the union pioneer wrote in a 1916 issue of the American Federationist. “Foreign standards of wages do not permit American standards of life. Foreign labor has driven American workers out of many trades, callings, and communities, and the influence of those lower standards has permeated widely”—wait a minute, how did Glenn Beck manage to sneak himself back in time? The great irony, of course, is that immigrant labor is the most-bountiful spigot in the modern-day labor movement, and always has been. Simply put, Timmy: American workers need cheap labor, legal or not, to spur them into class consciousness and better their lot—or do you think Old Man Rockefeller simply allowed the eight-hour work day to happen out of the goodness of his raisin heart? Oh, and your concerns about your unassimilated colleagues? Again, Gompers: “Of course the children of immigrants go to school, and after a few years they become Americanized. But how about the grown-up persons, the adults? Who makes an effort to Americanize them? The labor organization.” Instead of whining about non-assimilating illegals, maybe you should help them become Americans? If you don’t, then you have no right to chillar. 

   Why do Mexicans seem to always have four different ATM cards and have to use each and every one of them when visiting the machine despite the fact that there are seven people backed up in line behind them?

All the Merrier

   Dear ATM: Just getting ready for the weekend, amigo! One fund to feed the family, otra, to wire money back to the motherland, a couple bucks for booze, and the largest pot to use for padrino purposes at multiple weddings, baptisms, First Communions, Confirmations and quinceañera—pinche fecund Mexican loins…

   I tried to find an article search on the word paisano or paisa. I heard conflicting definitions from two different Mexican coworkers that the word means “homeboy” or “wetback.” I was wondering if this is the equivalent to the n-word for Latinos?

Thinking out Loud

 Dear Gabacho: The n-word…you mean naco? Paisano literally means “countryman,” but has a secondary definition referring to country folk (both paisano and peasant ultimately share the same etymological madre: the Latin pagus, country or rural district). Combine the two meanings, and you have a synonym for “buddy,” as one of your coworkers accurately noted. But bigmouths long ago warped the rural sentido to turn it into paisa, slang for a wab—in other words, a paisa is a Mexican redneck, a FOB…a wab! Does it carry the same weight as nigger? No, that would be gabacho—but don’t tell gabachos that!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: People talk about the costs of illegal immigration on our society. What about the savings? Has there been any research into how much more a meal at a restaurant would cost without Mexicans cooking and washing dishes? What percentage increase would we see with supermarket produce if migrant illegal laborers were paid a fair wage?

El Mojado Acaudalado

Dear Wealthy Wetback: There are some studies out there, but the ones most publicized are usually authored by Know Nothing groups like the Federation for American Immigration Reform and the Center for Immigration Studies, and their stats and findings are as twisted as the trenzas on a fine Mexican lass. Conversely, the ones stating the Reconquista is fab usually originate from Aztlanistas, so one must proceed with caution around the bevy of papers on the subject. The hard, boring stats: Out of the 2.2 million U.S. farms counted in the 2007 Census of Agriculture, only a quarter reported hiring workers. And out of the 1.42 million farmworkers reported in the Census Bureau’s 2008 American Community Survey, foreign-born Mexicans make up only 35 percent of the population, and just 10 percent of the food preparation and service industry. A 2006 report by the Economic Research Service of the United States Department of Agriculture found that nearly 39 percent of every dollar spent on food en los Estados Unidos went to labor costs. Conclusion: any pay raise for illegals toiling in the factories, in the fields and kitchens would undoubtedly affect the bottom line of farmers and restauranteurs, which would force them to raise prices to recoup the cost—but probably not as much as we’d like to so Know Nothings could shut up once and for all.

For the past 15 years I’ve been periodically working en el campo of southern Veracruz, with both local campesinos and Mexican academics from the cities. After an incredibly hot, sweaty day in the sun, all I want to do is take a cold shower immediately. My Mexican colleagues (both rural and from the city) refuse to take a shower for at least a couple of hours so that their bodies cool down. When asked, they state that a cold shower when you’re hot is very unhealthy and may even lead to sudden death. Now, my ancestry is northern European and I’ve always experienced that there is nothing more invigorating than jumping in an ice-cold pool of water while being extremely hot, like say, after being in a sauna. Is this hot-plus-cold-equals-death idea I’ve encountered in Veracruz widespread throughout Mexico? Is there a history of Mexicans dying from cold showers? What’s the basis for this? Or is this just due to the fact that I’m not caliente enough, as my Mexican friends say?

Wannabe Jarocho

Dear Gabacho: I found a 1964 study from the Journal of Applied Physiology that discovered taking an ice-cold shower substantially increases blood pressure and pulse rate—but you knew this. Some people like that rush, but others know that putting instant stress on your cardiovascular system isn’t the wisest of decisions. Mexican men know this, so they avoid las regaderas for a bit. But the more important reason for not taking showers so soon is because hombres also know that sweat contains pheromones, and we will use any possible angle to get into a woman’s chonis.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL SEXY EDITION

Dear Mexican: I’ve always been attracted to transgendered women since I was about 13. I’ve noticed, however, that most trannies are Hispanic. Now, before you say that this is ¡Ask a Mexican!,  not ¡Ask  a  Hispanic!,  I’ve  also noticed that  more  than  half  of  all  Hispanic  transsexuals  are  Mexican. What’s up with that? Is it a cultural thing? Is it something in your genes? I mean, what is it?

 Self -Hating Hispanic

Like any good male of the species, I was surfing porn on the Internet last week when I happened on an escort website. The site had several categories, depending on your sexual proclivities, I suppose. While clicking through them, I got to the she-male escort section and noticed a curious thing: The percentage of transgendered escorts that were Latinos (by their admission) was 57% whereas Latinos only comprise 37% of the population in general. Given the legendary Latino male machismo how do you account for these statistics?

Gabacho of the Straight Persuasion

Dear Wab and Gabacho: To the gabacho: I’m all for folks enjoying their different strokes, but you: straight? When you’re looking through the transgendered section of a prostitute web site? And were able to calculate to the exact percentile the number of Latin@ escorts on said site (don’t know which orifice you pulled out the 37 percent stat for Mexis, though, as the Pew Hispanic Center’s 2008 survey of Latino demography in los Estados Unidos puts the population of wabs and their descendants in the States at about 31 million, about 10 percent of the total American population). Cabrón: you ain’t straight, and that’s all right. To the wab: I don’t know where you get your numbers, either. No reliable statistics exist on the number of Mexican transgendered people, whether in the motherland or el Norte, but what is known about this population is that they’re inordinately represented in HIV cases, as sexual-assault victims, and face rampant harassment. To the gabacho: Instead of ogling them, maybe you should spend your perverted dollars on donating to non-profits that help LGBT Mexis—and maybe they’ll be kind enough to help you with your own sexual hang-ups. To the wab: you should donate, too. And to the both of ustedes and everyone else: this is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not Ask a Hispanic, Latino, Chili Belly or whatever other chingadera people confuse Mexicans as—ask accordingly!

I met a wonderful man from Mexico City and became romantically involved with him. However, after just one month of dating, he dropped the te amo bomb on me, which I thought was a bit sudden. Coincidentally, shortly after this happened, a good friend of mine also started dating a chilango. He said te amo to her after only one week! Now, while my gabacho friends saw these situations as red flags, my Latino friends blamed this on pasión, and said that these guys were “just being Latino men” and insisted not to worry about it. The latter reaction leads me to ask if it’s a cultural norm, in Mexico, for a man to tell a woman he is dating that he loves her, so soon?

The Confused Hawaiana

Dear Wahine: Chula, Mexican men get straight to the punto. Your chilango obviously told you he loves you so soon because he thinks your hips are child-bearing, your bosom bountiful, and your health good. No times for courtship—bring on the babies! I’ll allow that mexicanos, brought up on decades of expert wooers like Jose Alfredo Jimenez, Juan Gabriel, Agustin Lara, and other songsmiths, might be more florid and expressive in matters of the corazón than their gabacho counterparts, who wouldn’t be able to quote “Night and Day” if you spotted them the Frank Sinatra-Tommy Dorsey version and Frank’s solo, drunken effort. Let love reign, and its verbal couplets rain upon you, I say—now, start popping out those twice-bronzed brownies!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arrellano

SPECIAL NARCO EDITION

   Dear Mexican: How can a formerly proud Latina like myself feel proud to be Mexican again after my beloved relative was murdered in Mexico by narcos while visiting? I still have love for my heritage, and I understand that many Mexican people live in desperate situations because they have no opportunity. But on that day, I was not proud to be a Mexican. And I wonder if I will ever be again.

Heartbroken

   Dear Reader: Primeramente and foremost, my pensamientos and prayers to your family. I can’t imagine the pain ustedes are suffering, and the righteous anger you feel toward the monsters that inflicted such horror. But murders, no matter how terrible, are no more representative of Mexico or its people than it is of the United States and its gente. Feel ashamed of the drug cartels, of the corrupt government officials that let them roam, of the insane policies on both sides of the border that make the trade so lucrative and deadly, but don’t apply those stains to the pride you feel for your heritage. Take yourself as an example—you’re obviously a smart, caring, wonderful soul who is mexicana. You, your family, your dearly departed, and the mucho millions of Mexicans like ustedes—the non-criminal, hard-working, and successful masses—exhibit the true Mexican character and more than worthy of adulation; don’t let narcos and their actions ever make you think otherwise. Ever.

   At what point does Mexico transition from being a failing state with a crushing humanitarian crisis to a failed state with no semblance of the rule of law? Don’t get me wrong. I loved (that’s loved in the past tense) Mexico, even lived as a mojado in Ciudad Juarez for three years back in the mid-1990’s, back in the day when you could take a lady out for the evening and not worry that the narcos were going to grab her off your arm and rape and torture her to death before dumping her in a shallow hole out by the airport. And it’s that love of the country and la raza that compels me to watch with horror as the whole thing slides from simple mordida and go-along-to-get-along to so many dead each day they don’t even bother to dig the shallow holes any more.

Concerned Gabacho

   Dear Gabacho: Either your chronology is wrong, or you’re a liar. The serial murders of the women in Juarez (which now numbers into the hundreds) have been going on since at least the mid-1990s, that same bucolic decade you describe, and authorities on both sides of la frontera have blamed those deaths on many other individuals and groups besides the narcos. That clarification out of the way, Mexico is nowhere near a failed state or even a failing state. You want a failed state? Somalia. Failing state? California. Sí, hay un chingo de problems with Mexico right now, and I honestly don’t think the narco-wars will stop until—take your pick—the United States legalizes drugs or we occupy the country anew, but that’s just the American in me. The Mexican in me knows this mess will disappear, la raza will survive, and we’ll continue the colonization of Aztlán anew with mere illegal immigrants instead of actual criminals.

   I still like bullfights, but I don’t go to Mexico, so I don’t get to see them any more. Is bullfighting still popular in Mexico, or has Mexico, in addition to becoming a narco-state, become a land of PC pussies?

Pasty in the Afternoon

   Dear Gabacho: Mexico, a land of PC pussies? The nation that still uses outrageous caricatures of negritos, chinitos, mariposas y indios in mainstream television? That carried its cockfighting tradition to the United States, much to the consternation of municipal codes? That had its president as recently as 2007 describe an accusation against him as a cuento chino (“Chinese tale,” which is to say, a lie)? That Mexico? Yeah, bullfighting still exists, although its popularity has declined over the years just like everywhere else. But if you want barnyard wrangling without the unnecessary death, try the charreada, the original rodeo. Prettier girls, better action, and none of those pussy helmets.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arrellano

SPECIAL TACO BELL EDITION 

   Why do so many Mexicans work for Taco Bell and El Pollo Loco? Don’t they know they only add a false credence to the belief that this is Mexican cuisine? The bastardizing of the truly great and diverse food of Mexico by the money-hungry corporations of the U.S., I feel, contributes to the overall misconception about the diversity and culture of the Mexican people.

A Fat White Boy 

   Dear Gabacho: If you’re going to malign poor, defenseless multinationals, at least do it right. El Pollo Loco—a charbroiled chicken chain, for those of ustedes who don’t yet live in ever-metastasizing Aztlán—was originally created by Mexicans for Mexicans, and their straightforward pollo plates aren’t that guacátela. And Taco Bell, for all its sins, at least acts as a gateway drug for gabachos to learn about semi-Mexican flavors without forcing them to necessarily hang with wabs (that happens when their daughters bring home some cute day laborer). No hard figures exist on how many Mexicans work at Taco Bell or El Pollo Loco, but if trying to better la raza’s image and culture was the main reason why Mexicans try to find jobs, we’d all be applying at Univisión. 

   Why do gabachas and gabachos get fake tans, lip enhancements, fake breasts; take salsa classes, hire Mexican housekeepers who will take care of their children and teach their kids Spanish, love Taco Bell, spend their time off in Mexico, buy land in Mexico, drool when they see Salma Hayek, yet spend all their waking time thinking about how to get rid of us and send us back? I would call that gabachismo: the irony of hating what you don’t have.

An Honorary Mexican 

   Dear Gabacho: ‘Mano, I haven’t heard such a great repudiation of gabacho hypocrisy when it comes to Mexis since discovering Taco Bell’s profits dropped when it used a Chihuahua as its mascot! 

   I have been a regular customer of Taco Bell for at least 25 years now, and I have to ask: do Mexicans consider the fare available there (or ever refer to it) as “Mexican food”?  While I know that there are some of us of European descent who are outraged at the number of illegal immigrants (undocumented workers?) here, I can’t help but wonder if the popularity of Taco Bell actually helps to subvert anti-Latino feelings to some extent or other.

El Burrito Grande 

   Dear Gabacho: Let’s deport out of our minds the iron-clad idea that Taco Bell isn’t “Mexican” food, or somehow a sui generis phenomenon. It’s a regional variant of Mexican cuisine, just like green chile-anything is the domain of New Mexico and southern Colorado, the puffy taco a staple of San Antonio, and why the fish taco first dominated in Southern California by way of Baja. That Taco Bell and its progeny have proven so ridiculously popular is a good thing, though, because what gabachos don’t realize is that just before the Spanish hijos de puta finally conquered Tenochtitlán, the Aztecs cross-bred the pinto bean with a strain of Montezuma’s Revenge that ensures eternal worship of all things Mexican, from cheap labor to cheap food. Keep eating those Enchiritos, America! 

   IN MEMORIUM: This column is dedicated to Taco Bell founder Glen Bell, who passed away two weeks ago at age 86. May God grant Bell the afterlife’s eternal reward—unlimited horchata, regional Mexican treasures like mole negro and aguachile, and certainly not what la campana sells—that’s served in the cafeteria of Gehenna. 

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, www.myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, www.youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arrellano

Dear Readers: Siempre, the wisest words that appear in this column come from ustedes, y the following two cartas prove this maxim. The first one addresses my year-end column, in which a working-class gabacho insisted his people apapachan a Mexicans mucho:

 Half-Mexican here. I was fortunate enough to catch your column while I was visiting for the holidays. I have a comment in regards to [the gabacho who wrote the letter] Sick of all of You. He said, “No other country baby-sits Americans the way American baby-sit Mexicans.” I would have to disagree. I’ve been living in Spain for the past seven months as an English teacher, and he is greatly mistaken. All of Europe and practically the entire world caters to Americans. The international business language is English. Almost all signs are posted in the native language of the country and English. I’m ashamed that our country sees it as a burden to learn or tolerate another language. A majority of the world speaks English as their second language in order to cater to the American tourists and business industry. I just wanted to share this, from my foreign living experience. The world caters to us the US; I think we can spare a few bus stop translations.

Life in the Afternoon

   The following letter is a bit more critical, concerning a Best of Mexican I reran for the Jan. 7 edición of my column concerning a white woman trying to calm down her wab paramour:

   I couldn’t believe the advice you gave Enamormada Gabacha: “Nothing says I love you, nothing says ‘Welcome to America’ like an old-school blowjob.” Maybe so, but “an old-school blowjob” also an excellent way of spreading STDs. To be sure, transmitting HIV through oral sex is rather rare—but it has been known to happen. However, syphilis and gonorrhea are different stories. Gonorrhea, I might add, is particularly worrisome because certain strains of this bacteria are becoming increasingly immune to all known antibiotics. It’s extremely irresponsible to advise an “old-school blowjobs” without also advising “old school” protection, like condoms.

Trojan Travieso

   Well, DUH. But Enamorada Gabacha was already seriously involved with her hombre—this wasn’t a one-night stand, or a midnight run to the border. I’d assume and hope anyone who gets intimately involved with someone will first have a discussion about each other’s sex life before doing the deed, up to and including sharing STD test results—but if I put in a public-service announcement like that, I’d be treading the terrain of Savage Love. And I don’t want that mariposa messing with my pesos…

And now, a question:

   Dear Mexican: I was under the impression that Mexico actually had a LARGER middle class than most Latin American nations, consisting of doctors and lawyers, among all sorts of other professions. Mexico may have a far greater problem with poverty than the U.S., but compared to its southern neighbors, it’s relatively bourgeois. Do you know if there is any truth to my supposition?

Tío Moneybags

   Dear Gabacho: No, you’re correcto—in a way. The World Bank’s 2008 country rankings on gross national income per capita lists Mexico as tops in Latin America, but an IMD International survey puts Mexico as the país with the largest percentage of its population (22.1 percent) below the median income line, which suggest rampant social stratification (número three on that list? Los Estados Unidos, with 17 percent of nosotros making less than the middle-class—so much for our superiority!). A 2006 BusinessWeek article estimated 40 percent of Mexicans were in the middle class, and that really isn’t surprising. “All sorts of other profession”? Raza, repeat after me: MEXICO IS A NORMAL COUNTRY. Too many narco-killings, for sure, and too little social mobility, but it’s firmly in the bottom rungs of the First World—and definitely no Guatemala.

REMEMBER, READERS: Start asking me questions on my Youtube channel, youtube.com/askamexicano. The bigger the sombrero, the better!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arrellano

Dear Mexican: I’m surprised by the choice of the word “amnesty” by those who would demonize immigration reform, especially in the South. Doesn’t the modern well-being of many Southerners derive in some way from their ancestors’ having sworn to amnesty oaths, both before and after the Civil War? Isn’t it being disingenuous to make the “but-my-family-immigrated-legally” argument when your great-great-great-grandparents got amnesty for their own federal faux pas?

Gringo del Sur

Dear Southern Gabacho: Modern-day Know Nothing retellings of American immigration history are disingenuous like Guatemalans are slow, Gringo, but I’m more interested in these Dixie oaths. Gabachos received amnesty in this country before? You mean to tell me we pardoned a bunch of traitorous, backwards, racist pendejos for their federal crimes? And the Union did not perish, but instead became stronger? See, America? There’s hope in giving amnesty to Mexicans after all! Yeah, we’ll probably continue to stupidly worship the flag of a defeated country, be an economic drag on everyone else for a good generation, stereotype negritos and worship our heritage a bit much, and the idiots among us will secretly try to secede from the States from time to time, but we’ll eventually join the fabric of this land—and at least we won’t create something as ridiculous as the Confederate Memorial Carving. Nah, we celebrate our heroes on cereal boxes—and if you don’t know what I’m talking about and don’t want to know, readers, please don’t try to find the Cesar Chavez cornflakes box on Google…

I recently heard that casino building projects done by many of the tribes in Washington state require a certain percentage of Native American labor with no restrictions on tribe. I was told that they had a difficulty meeting their quota, so I wondered who counts as a Native American? Why are Mexican-Americans born on both sides of the border not recognized as Native Americans in the same way that the Apache or Blackfoot are? How do Mexicans with indigenous roots feel about this?

Curious White Seattleite

Dear Gabacho: This is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask Black Elk!, so I’ll leave it to my native hermanos to determine who belongs to their respective tribes and why. The case of borderland tribes like the Yaqui and Apache is especially hard to untangle—not only did their historical homelands not have to cross the border, the border crossed them thrice. But the U.S. Census doesn’t have a box to check for those people born in Mexico who possess or identify with an indigenous Mexican group, because the U.S. Census is a crock of mierda with racial classifications no doubt created by a pencil pusher with too much tequila the night before. That said, there are enough indigenous Mexicans in the United States to begin rethinking this—demographers estimate there are over 100,00 Mixtecs and Zapotecs (Indians from the state of Oaxaca) in the United States, and they freely acknowledge it’s probably a severe undercount due to these people being ostracized by both gabachos and Mexicans. And this isn’t counting the many Chicano yaktivists who think taking on an Aztec name and hanging the calendar stone on their bedroom wall classifies them as a direct descendant of Cuauhtémoc.

REMEMBER, READERS: Start asking me questions on my Youtube channel, www.youtube.com/askamexicano. The bigger the sombrero, the better! 

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, www..myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, www.youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

SPECIAL BEST-OF EDITION

Dear Readers: The Mexican is still trying to shake off the Herradura from the previous year, so I’m reprinting this week a favorite column of mine from el pásado. To make up for my siesta, though, I’m bringing back the YouTube edition of this column, where I’ll take the questions of the non-anonymous brave and ramble muy funny. Just visit youtube.com/askamexicano every Thursday for the latest edition!

Dear Mexican: I just don’t get Mexicans and their grooming. The men slick their hair with baby oil, gel or Vaseline, or just shave it all off. The women wear it in ponytails with neon green hair bands or in pigtails, or they wear bangs created with the biggest curling iron in the world. Do they see themselves in the mirror before leaving home? Do they realize everyone is staring ‘cause they look bad??

Tommy Toupee

Dear Gabacho: Not only do we stare at our hair in the mirror, but we also blow kisses to our reflection and whisper, “Ay papi chulo, you’re más bonito than those gabachos feos.” If there’s one body feature that Mexicans can boast about—besides the glorious guts of our men and the asses grandes of mujeres—it’s follicles, repositories of the world’s hair DNA. Kinky, straight, curly or wavy, the Mexican head is pregnant with possibility, and Mexicans do everything possible to draw attention to what humans can do with a comb and three pounds of gel. Some hairstyles are utilitarian: the Mexi-mullet protects the neck from the brutal sun, while bangs allow our ladies to hide switchblades. Other styles, like indigenous pigtails or the Zach de la Rocha’s frizzy ‘fro, sing the body Mexican. But the best Mexican hair involves Three Flowers brilliantine, the lightly scented petroleum jelly revered by generations of Mexican for its tight hold, its pleasant smell and a shine that rivals a flashlight. Women use it to slick their hair into buns, men to sculpt Morrissey-esque pompadours. Class: thy name is mexicano. Oh, and contrary to popular belief, no self-respecting Mexican man shaves his head: that’s the domain of pendejo cholos and their Chicano cousins.

I am a nice looking white girl with a great job and life. I recently starting seeing a Mexican guy, who I’m pretty certain I scare the crap out of. He has never dated a white woman before and seems very nervous around me. He also asks me about the education and status of my ex-husband and previous boyfriends. I really feel like he thinks he is not good enough for me, although I don’t know why. He is gorgeous, hard-working and so kind. I have never been one to care about what someone does, where they are from or how much money they make. How can I get this guy to see that I really like him as a person and just relax?

Enamorada Gabacha

   Dear Gabacha in Love: The first draft of my answer to your question ended this way: “You want to soothe your Mexican man’s frayed nerves, Enamorada? Give him a blowj..b.” Thinking this was too glib, I wrote a second draft in which I explained the minefield of race and class that you and your beloved will have to cross. I noted that dating a gabacha is the pinnacle of a Mexican man’s sexual life, proof that he can navigate bedrooms as easily as borders. I cited the Orson Welles’ classic Touch of Evil (notice white-hot Janet Leigh is married to Mexican protagonist Mike Vargas—played by Charlton Heston in brownface) and I considered norteño super-group Los Tigres del Norte’s “El Mojado Acaudalado” (The Wealthy Wetback): “Decía una güera en Florida/’I love you Mexican men’” (Said a white woman in Florida/”Amo a ustedes hombres mexicanos”). By the time I’d worked through all of that, I concluded that my first answer was best: nothing eradicates ego and all of its clunky superficialities (race, class, culture), nothing says I love you, nothing says “Welcome to America” like an old-school blowj..b.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, www.myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, www.youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL YEAR-END EDICION 

Dear Mexican: Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must, but because it’s more efficient) and every time someone requests to stop, you hear “Stop Requested,” then this parrar bullshit! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherfuckers. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I’m tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than TRUE American Citizen cause I don’t “meet the qualifications.” Qualifications? I have a degree! My English in damn-near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!

Sick of All of You 

Dear Gabacho: Between your point in insisting you don’t ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action, and your fucked-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers) I’ll peg you as a working-class gabacho who’d rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese. 

Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don’t your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don’t have to do any heavy lifting. There’s so much more I want to know about Mexican culture like, “Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music?” or “Why doesn’t Mexico just apply to become our 51st state?” or “Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia?” If you’re really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or 10 questions a week.  Andale, for crying out loud!

The Blue Prince Of Dallas 

Dear Gabacho: I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station, where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don’t know if you’ve heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, with some periódicos that carried my columna folding during the past year, others running me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor in favor and against my existence, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure editors don’t deport me for good. 

2009 has been a tough year for all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes, and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It’s the 200th anniversary of Mexico’s liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Let’s begin the new year with good: the winners of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of this place, and if you don’t like the winner, you should’ve entered the contest, pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not the air! 

THE RESTAURANTE WINNER: SAN DIEGO Los Panchos: Tienen tacos, tortas, burritos, y el pinche speedy Gonzales. Para los gabachos y uno que otro pendejo that orders it. 2441 National City Blvd., National City, (619) 474-7194. 

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, www.myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

 SPECIAL NAVIDAD GIFTS EDITION 

Dear Mexican: Can you recommend a solid, accessible history of California and Arizona so I can learn what really happened when the U.S. gobbled Aztlán?

La Chica Confundida 

Dear Wabette: The holistic classic in this genre of Rodolfu Acuña’s Occupied America: A History of Chicanos, but it’s a bit pricey, a problem that the legendary profe has told the Mexican he is trying to rectify. For California, I recommend Leonard Pitts’ The Decline of the Californios: A Social History of the Spanish-Speaking Californias, 1846-1890, which examines the tricks and treasons gabachos used in screwing over California’s native Mexicans after the Mexican-American War; Hispanic Arizona, 1536-1856, by James E. Officer offers the same for the Copper State, and is a great chinga tu madre for the Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpayaso fan in your familia. But as much as you and I would like to think otherwise, the rest of this Mexican-obsessed country doesn’t share the same fascination for Arizona, California, or the American Intervention. Really, the best book you can purchase to teach people about the Reconquista are two: mine. Kidding…sort of. In all honesty, the only libro people interested in the Mexican Question should buy this holiday season is the one they should already have: Carey McWilliams’ majestic North from Mexico: The Spanish-Speaking People of the United States. Though it celebrated its 60th anniversary this year, McWilliams’ effort continues to beat any Pew Hispanic Center study, National Council on La Raza press release, or George Lopez monologue in explaining why Mexicans and their descendants en los Estados Unidos act the way they do, and why gabachos hate wabs so. Mixing little-known history with thoughtful analysis and wonderful prose, North from Mexico impresses with every reading, and has spawned a thousand Chicano Studies monographs. More crucially, McWilliams was the first gabacho who cared for Mexicans not for their tithes, cheap labor, fecund wombs or taco specials, but as actual members of the American fabric. Seriously, cabrones: this guy deserves a spot in the Mexican Catholic pantheon along the Santo Niño de Atocha and Our Lady of San Juan de los Lagos, and if you don’t have North from Mexico in your library already, you’re no better than a Guatemalan. 

Some columns ago, someone asked about Mexican comic books. How about going a little more highbrow? Which Mexican poets who aren’t writing in English, contemporary or otherwise, would you recommend to a gabacho looking to expand his literary horizons southward? Right now I know of Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz and Laura Solórzano, and there’s about 300 years between them. I’m looking for translations, because I’m a lazy gabacho who doesn’t know Spanish.

No Good at Coming up with Witty Names, Either 

Dear Gabacho: Highbrow, in this column? Who do you think I am—Ruben Navarrette? I can give you but two poetas—one old, one timeless. Ramon López Velarde died young in 1921, but his abstract, postmodern poetry influenced generations of Mexican writers, and my fellow jerezano’s “La suave patria” (roughly, “The Sweet Motherland”) remains as hallowed an artistic celebration of Mexico as the films of Pedro Infante or the Mexican national anthem. The University of Texas released a translated López Velarde anthology a couple of years ago, but his clever rhyming schemes, puns, and references disappeared like decorum at a San Diego Minutemen meeting.

Easier to appreciate is the work of Jose Alfredo Jimenez, Mexico’s greatest singer-songwriter. He understood the contradictory essence of the Mexican soul—the drunken prophet, the weeping macho, the embittered optimist, the jingoistic twerp—and captured it with somber yet stirring couplets. If you want to read his lyrics, buy Jose Alfredo Jimenez: Cancionero Completo (Complete Songbook), which comes with a wonderful essay by the Mexican intellectual (yes, they do exist) Carlos Monsivaís, but your gabacho ass needs to comprender Spanish first. In the meanwhile, buy Jimenez’s albums (especially the one he recorded with Banda El Recodo), pour some Herradura, and let the holidays flow.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net www.,myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

 By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’m an Asian female, and for some time now I’ve been fascinated by the Mexican culture. I find Mexican males to be very attractive. Their food, language and music are just amazing! How much of a chance do I have dating a Mexican hombre if I’m Asian?

Muchacha China Curiosa 

Dear Chinita: Dios mío, are you in luck! Mexican society loves their Asian women—it’s the job-stealing, vice-promoting men we can’t stand. The beautiful, colorful flowing dress Mexican women wear when dancing baile folklorico is generally called the china poblana, in remembrance of an apocryphal Indian slave from the 17th century. To dress as a china in Mexican popular parlance of the late 1800s meant to dress like a lower-class mujer for the purposes of becoming alluring, like the characterization of the gypsy woman or mulatta in American culture. And even in the present day, we romanticize Asian mujeres but without the dragon-lady bad vibes gabachos throw in their hot pot of racial desires. In other words, not only do you have beaucoup chances of dating a Mexican, you’re going to have to beat them back with a bamboo stick. Only drawback? Whether you’re Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, Burmese or from Macao, you will always, always remain a chinita bonita to your man’s aunts—just ask my ex. 

I have a Mexican friend who is a roofer. He and his crew are very efficient and do excellent work. I pay them the fair-market price for their labor—the same money I would pay gabacho roofers if they weren’t all fucked-up on crystal meth, Wild Turkey, shitty relationships with skanky-ass whores, etc. My gabacho contractor friends mock me and call me a dumb-ass for this but believe it or not, exploiting el cheapo immigrant labor just ain’t my bag. It’s very lonely being me. So, my question is: Do you, as a Mexican, or taco bender, or pepper belly, think that I’m a dumb-ass?

Roofer Who Doesn’t Use Roofies To Nail Rucas 

Dear Jefe: Dumb-ass, you? Can you get me a job, and hire my 15 cousins también? The problem of Mexican workers in los Estados Unidos getting paid less than their gabacho counterparts has existed since forever, so for you—a gabacho—to not only pay fair wage to Mexicans, but do it in the realm of construction (a 2005 study published by the National Association of Home Builders found that Mexicans not only occupied the lower rungs of the construction industry, but bore the brunt of lower-wage jobs as a result) qualifies usted for folk sainthood status in some rancho in Guanajuato. 

Maybe your column can address the question of why Mexicans allow so many of their small children to become obese. As a mother of three, I find this to be a heart-rendering circumstance. I know healthy food is more expensive (especially if you choose not to garden) but the long-term medical situation (which maybe is not known/appreciated within their community) for their children is obviously grave. You could do a public service in your column.

Grieving Over Ruined Dinner Angst 

Dear GORDA:  Same reason gabacho and negrito parents do—lack of exercise, education and healthy eating. I don’t mean to sound flippant or apologetic for my raza, but black and white kids ain’t exactly Kate Mosses in the world of childhood obesity. According to a 2002 Center for Disease Control survey done by its National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of Mexican-American kiddies ages six to 11 are overweight, and 23.7 percent obese, compared with 35.9/19.5 of negritos and 26.2/11.8 of gabachos in their respective categories. My public service? Parents: Instead of serving your niños eight Christmas tamales this season, make do with seis and hold back on the second helping of pozole. 

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, www.myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL VIRGIN OF GUADALUPE EDITION 

Dear Mexican: As a Chicano/Mexican, I have lost my faith in God. While they take pride in their country like everyone else, and like to make frequent jokes, Mexicans are generally very humble (poor) people. Isn’t God supposed to be on the side of the poor and humble? Why is it that Mexico always loses soccer matches to a generally rich and arrogant people (Americans) in fútbol who don’t even care about the sport, we start the swine flu epidemic that can be the next bubonic plague, and get natural disasters ALL THE TIME? This reminds me of the saying, “Poor Mexico—so far from God, so close to the United States!” Do you think Mexicans are coming up as God’s next “chosen people” and going to get it as bad as the Jews have over the centuries?

Still Believing in the Virgen de Guadalupe, but Not so Sure About the Big Papi Upstairs… 

Dear Wab: We are the Chosen Juans—have been for generations. After all, the Jews never got away with calling their boys Guadalupe and Salvador, and girls Jesusita—hell, the more orthodox of them don’t even have the huevos to say G-d! And there are more anti-Mexican slurs used by gabachos in the present day than there are against judios, necessary lumps God forces upon the meek—or did you already forget the Sermón on the Mount? But you really think we’re going to get it as bad as the heebs? Ever heard of the Holocaust? Pogroms? Henry Ford? The genocide of America’ indigenous was horrendous, as are modern-day deportations suffered by our undocumented, but Jews have been dealing with that crap since the days of Pharaoh, so they’re centuries ahead of us in the persecution game—and it’s not one we really want to win, you know? I am glad, however, that you compared Mexis to Jews and not Palestinians like most Chicano yaktivists do, since the Palestinians’ plight is its own demented chingadera that nosotros wouldn’t be able to comprehend even if the U.S. went on to steal Mexico up to San Luís Potosí. 

How did Looney Tunes characters enter the Mexican cultural pantheon along side la virgencita as an image to wear on your T-shirt, glued to your dashboard, and tattooed onto your skin? Don’t get me wrong—I was into cartoons when I was a kid, but it’s just weird to see grown men and women sporting cartoon characters on their jean jackets and bracero biceps. Is it that they just always have little kids running around, so that cartoon are the only thing on TV? Moreover, this is something Mexicans seem to share with certain sectors of the gabacho lower class.  What explains this strange adult fascination with Looney Tunes?

Gabacho Loon 

Dear Gabacho: As I’ve written before, Mexicans love the Warner Bros. stable of caricaturas (custodians of Cervantes: I know this isn’t the exact translation of the Spanish word for animated cartoons, but this is the word mami y papi used to describe them, so vayánse a la chingada) because they personify the Trickster, the universal archetype who uses mayhem and wits to wile his way through tough situations. But that doesn’t explain the almost-as-popular use of Disney characters such as Winnie the Pooh, Goofy, and the various princesses among wabs. I would offer a Mexican-specific response, but your final point regarding similarities between wabs and rednecks, coupled with the disturbing popularity of anything Disney by too muchos adults in the United States, show that this is a small mundo after all—sorry to offer such a Mickey Mouse response, readers, but when it comes to el ratón, the more you can disparage him, the better.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, www.myspace.com/ocwab, www.facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

   Dear Mexican: I used to frequent a cantina in Chicago where half of the bar was Polack, the other half beaner. The Polacks would speak in their native tongue and either start or finish all of their sentences with the word kurwa. I understand this to mean “whore” in their language. On the other half of the bar, the beaners would utilize the word buey in all of their sentences. Sometimes, the beaners would become emotional and interpolate buey with pinche, as in pinche buey. Perhaps the Polacks and beaners were talking about the other group at the bar! I understand that the word buey in mexicanismo is a castrated bull. But I’ve got to imagine that the beaners are not always talking about castrated bulls. However, I can understand why the Polacks are always talking about whores. What are the ramificaciones?

El Polaco Loco 

   Dear Loco Polack: Chingao, wabs and Polacks at a bar! Where’s a mick when you need one? I think you misheard the word and meant güey, derived from buey, which you noted correctly is an ox, the word Mexicans use to call someone an ass-not a hooved ass, but an ass ass. Like madre, güey is a Swiss Army knife in Mexican-Spanish cussing-we use it affectionately (“¡No mames, güey!” translates as “Don’t suck dick, ass!” but actually means “Don’t bullshit me, brother!”), in anger (“Eres un pinche güey” is “You’re a fucking idiot”) or as a boast (“No me haces güey”- “You won’t make an ass out of me”). Ramifications? Use with caution-if you say that to a man, you might get a backslap or kick in the huevos depending on the circumstance, just like its bro cousin, fuckface. 

   I’m half-Hispanic and half-white. I’m really opposed to illegal immigration and any type of free health care to illegals because, as a health care worker, I see too many Americans who can’t afford health care. I’ve noticed that people like Texas Governor Rick Perry appear tough on illegal immigration by showing a gay-looking photo of him standing next to border agents with a serious look on his face. I’ve seen Perry sit on both sides of the fence by adding more agents to sit on their butts on the border, and pass legislation to allow in-state tuition for illegals.

   My question: would a Mexican support a bill that would tax only illegals who transfer money to Mexico? Now, you and me both now that the illegal has a cousin who is an American who will do the transfer for him. Anyways, if I was a Mexican who joined LULAC I would kinda like it. The reason is 100% of the tax goes to illegal immigrant health care and not a dime would go to a homeless American. This is the only tax I know whose benefactor does not include green card holders and American citizen. If this bill is passed, illegals can now claim they pay taxes! Wow, and since the majority are living in poverty, the majority would get the benefit from this tax. How would a Mexican vote?

Dr. Chichis, M.D. 

   Dear Wab: Before we begin, déjame deal with your health-care assertions. The Pew Hispanic Center found this year that illegals and their kids comprised solamente 17 percent of the nation’s total uninsured, and a 2006 RAND report estimated that the undocumented make up only “1.5 percent of the country’s total national medical costs, half as large as their 3.2 percent population share”-and even they think that number might be overblown, since the survey focused solely on the Los Angeles area, and they noted the city “has the reputation of being an immigrant-friendly location for these services.” So, for you and others to portray Mexicans as health-care leeches is false, not to mention immoral. The answer to your actual question: A Mexican wouldn’t care about your Mickey Mouse bill. Even if it was enacted, Mexicans would circumvent electronic transfers by using courier services or smuggling cash in tires on trips back home. We already know how to come into this country illegally-you think bad legislation can stop us? Craftiness is in our DNA the way güey-ness infests the Guatemalan mind.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

By Gustavo Arellano

SPECIAL LONG-LETTER EDITION 

Dear Mexican: I live in a little village in England in a house that’s two hundred years old, just down the hill from a tiny church that’s so old that it was actually built before God said “Let there be light,” thus proving that Stephen Hawking is a blowhard. The only industry around here, apart from digging potatoes and interfering with cows, is the cement factory, and that has been taken over by Mexicans. It used to be Rugby Cement and now it’s CEMEX. Not much changes around here, and people don’t much like change, but there was an expectation that the new management of the cement works might liven the neighbourhood up; that mariachi bands would stroll the streets; that burros would appear, ridden by sleeping guys in sombreros: that the night’s quiet would be split by the thrumming of guitars, shouts of “Andalay! Andalay! Arriva! Arriva!” and the crackle of brisk exchanges of gunfire as executives settled their budgets for the new financial year.

None of this has come to pass. In fact, no Mexicans have been seen in the village at all, despite the village pub having legendary chili nights. Is CEMEX an illusion? A mere corporate fiction that is actually run from Lichtenstein with Arab oil-money? Or are the Mexican managers all brujos who can make themselves invisible by drinking concoctions of jalapeños, tequila and dried armadillo brains from scooped-out human skulls? We need to know the answers to these questions, lest the peace at the heart of England be disturbed, and the beat of Drake’s drum be heard faintly on the breeze, calling, calling. Toodle-pip, old chap!

Baron Botolpho Winkletje van der Griezels 

Dear Limey: Isn’t it great that the Reconquista is now global, and that American stereotypes of Mexicans easily crossed the pond? And don’t think this Mexican has forgiven Genesis for their pendejada of a video for their song, “Illegal Alien.” But, yes: CEMEX (a syllabic abbreviation of the company’s original name, Cementos Mexicanos) is one of the world’s largest cement companies, born and headquartered in the city of Monterrey (whose natives are as notoriously stingy as your Scots). Other Mexican corporations with worldwide reach include Grupo Bimbo (bread makers), Televisa (creators of telenovelas) and the Mexican Nalga Fund. 

Why do white Americans buy into this Reconquista bullshit? I believe that these babosos talk about it more than Mexicans do. I have yet to meet a Mexican that is part of this “movement.” Every Mexican that I know has come to America to work, seek a better life, and buy a Chevy Tahoe or Suburban—that’s it. I guarantee you that if any white American actually spoke to a Mexican and asked him about the Reconquista, the Mexican would respond, “¿Que que?” I was born and raised in San Antonio, served my lovely country in the U.S. Army (2003-2008), and now live as a disabled vet in Denver. My parents were from Zacatecas and Jalisco. I asked them about the Reconquista and got the same response from both of them: “Dejate de pendejadas.”

So, gabachos, when you come to ¡Ask a Mexican! to ask stupid questions, consider this: Most immigrants go through shit and high water to come to America. WHY would they even want to reclaim the Southwest back for Mexico? You think they would want to travel an additional 800 miles to come to America? As a child, I have been to Mexico on family trips and let me tell you: I would not want to live there. My parents sure didn’t. We Mexicans grow attached to the American way really quick. But back to my original question: why do gabachos buy into this anti-Mexican bullshit when they have way bigger things to worry about? We are not the American-way-hating race.

El Sargento 

Dear Sargeant: Primeramente, gracias for your service. Secondly, to our Know Nothing audience: cut out this letter, staple it to your foreheads without anesthesia, and get it through your thick heads that this is the reality of the Reconquista—especially the Suburban part. Finally: why do they believe this, Sargento? Por pendejos. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember to add serranos to your stuffing!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!