La Prensa San Diego

 By Gustavo Arellano Dear Mexican: My cousin had put a picture on Facebook that said, “I will not be forced to learn a foreign language to accommodate illegals in my country.” He’s Mexican-American. Our family is from La Luz, Zacatecas, and its surrounding villages. His dad (my uncle) was born here in El Paso, Texas. [...]

By Gustavo Arellano Dear Mexican: It’s so sad to see your wimpy answers. Your replies scream self-hatred and self-shame for your raza. You’re pathetic! No plan or desire to fix Mexico’s problems. You’re a puto with no huevos. My DREAM Act would be that you Mexicans would stop groveling to gringos, and scream about fixing [...]

By Gustavo Arellano SPECIAL MORMON EDICIÓN Dear Readers: I usually save reruns of my columna for when I have to smuggle in the latest cousin from the rancho, but the ascendancy of Republic presidential candidate Mitt Romney must be addressed—namely, that he’s half-Mexican. The lamestream media is treating this as a revelation—never mind that I [...]

   By Gustavo Arellano Dear Mexican: How come Mexicans don’t perform in the Winter Olympics? What—no talent? Or are Mexicans afraid of snow? I’m thinking both. Also, Mexicans don’t do too well in the Summer Olympics, either—they even suck in soccer. There is plenty of snow in Mexico, so don’t use that excuse. Dumber, Stupider, [...]

By Gustavo Arellano Dear Mexican: In my hometown of Playa Larga (Long Beach, California), natives refer to a major avenida in our villa, Junipero Avenue (named for Father Junipero Serra, accused native genocider, a candidate for sainthood—but I digress) as Juan-a-pear-o. There is no “Juan” in Junipero, but that’s how everyone in this town pronounces [...]

By Gustavo Arellano SPECIAL BEST-OF EDITION Dear Mexican: Thirteen years old, and I’m jacking off, not knowing I left the bathroom door ajar. Just as I blasted onto the shower curtain, my mom walked in. Aghast, she shouted, “¡Cochino, te vas hacer ciego y se te va enchocar el pito!” (“You pig! You’re going to [...]

  By Gustavo Arellano SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT EDITION Dear Readers: In between your fifteenth tamale and sixth spiked cup of ponche, you’re going to have to buy regalos for Christmas or whatever pinche holiday you celebrate. Okay, you don’t have to, but you should, to support all those great indie businesses suffering during this Great Recession. [...]

By Gustavo Arellano SPECIAL CONQUISTADOR EDITION    Dear Mexican: This is the second rant I’ve felt I had to send to you. I don’t know if readers are allowed “seconds” but here it goes: Much has been said about the terrible things happening to the United States and its citizens by the Mexican drug cartels. [...]

By Gustavo Arellano    Dear Mexican: I read in your book that Mexico is due for a revolution about every 100 years or so. The last one was in the first part of the Twentieth Century and you said they are about ready for another one. Do you think the drug war presently being fought [...]

By Gustavo Arellano Special Mexicans are Racist Edición    Dear Mexican: Having been called a “gabacho” by “Mexicans” much lighter than I and “wetback” by those whose parents (or who themselves) crossed several rivers as they west migrated to California, I’m curious as to which group you believe I should hold in the greatest disdain.  [...]

By Gustavo Arellano    Dear Mexican: GOP Senator Mel Martinez authored a decent compromise bill to resolve the growing illegal immigration problem in the United States. He broke up the group of 11 million illegals into three classes, depending on the amount of time that they were in the country. Those in the United State [...]

By Gustavo Arellano    Dear Mexican: Why is Mexico such a dump? Just to name a few of the problems: stray dogs running all over the place, piles of trash burning in the street, blown out tires hanging from cactus by the side of the road, shredded plastic shopping bags plastering every fence in sight, [...]

By Gustavo Arellano SPECIAL MUJER EDITION    Dear Mexican: I am an Anglo intruder in New Mexico. When I moved to Albuquerque from Virginia, I fell in love with Mexican culture. I was impressed at what I called “Southwestern hospitality.” I have had so many second dinners when I go to people’s homes that I [...]

By Gustavo Arellano    Dear Mexican: These days, using the word “nigger” is considered so offensive that, in its place, we now use the term “n-word.” Of course, never mind that African-Americans use it amongst themselves as a term of endearment, pero esa es una historia para otro día. Sin embargo, it raises a pregunta [...]

By Gustavo Arellano     Dear Mexican: There’s something I concerned about, or bothered by. I was born and raised in Mexico, but I’ve been here for eight years. All the talk about 9/11 is too much, because every single year brings a rehash of the tragedy. I really think that remembering the event for two [...]

By Gustavo Arellano    Dear Mexican: Really? You answered “When Should You Use Usted Instead of Tú?” recently over my “Why Won’t My Gardener Fuck Me Again If I Demand an HIV Test?” Any sad gabacho can Google for grammar tips (no offense to Yo Quiero Hablar). Meanwhile, we clueless gabachas need to know how [...]

By Gustavo Arellano SPECIAL BEST-OF EDITION     Dear Readers: The Mexican doesn’t want to take this week off, but has to because it’s his mother periódico’s Best Of issue and the Mexican is tasked with eating a thousand tacos in the search for the best one in Orange. I’ll return next week, more panzón than [...]