December 2, 2005

Desk jockeys

By Al Carlos Hernandez

I think I may have found the key to happiness. Lower your goals so they are easier to attain. Hang on to what you got, until you get what you want, stop all that sniveling, everyone is smarter than their boss.

Many of us grew up hoping to be Doctors, Lawyers, Firemen, but ended up as Patients, Plaintiffs and Pyromaniacs. Bob Dylan said, “20 years of schoolin’ and they put you on the day shift”.

Writing for me is catharsis and try to tell stories the way we did at a kitchen table, or in the garage working on vehicles, or just hanging out with Homies. After several years of doing columns, it is clear that the best response comes from friends and acquaintances who work in offices at regular responsible jobs.

There are several reasons for this, the most obvious is that you have to be smart, domesticated and must play well with others to work indoors.

Outdoor workers are too busy really working or writing tickets for loud motorcycle pipes, or eating lunch in utility company trucks. Outside sales people spend the majority of the day driving around, looking for another job. Successful outside sales people are working two outside sales jobs at once to pay for the CLS they are driving trying to look successful.

Many of you find yourself with a life sentence of gainful employment in a bleak windowless cubicle that pays well with major benefits. Artists on the other hand, have no gainful means of support, or benefits, usually no fiduciary responsibility, and have access to a TV during the day so they are not forced to sublimate TV viewing by watching a computer screen hoping to be entertained when the boss is not looking, that is where I come in.

The computer screen for many of you is your only window to the world while clocking your 9 to 5 dollars. In lowering my life goals, sublimating the fact that I will probably never have access to my work being on TV either, I realized that one of my responsibilities whenever possible it to mess people up at work via the internet.

I am proud to say that the columns has provoked Babes to spit out fountain beverages through their noses, Dudes to spray coffee over spreadsheets, and one woman sandblasted her computer screen with Granola, and oh yea that unfortunate spit pea soup incident.

Picture your Boss running into your area tripping over a power cord doing a summersault, then landing head first into the trash can doing a head stand, revealing Sponge Bob boxers, and my work is done.

The columns have criss crossed the country, I’ve heard reports of Superior Court Judges who were forced to take a quick recess based on an unsolicited laugh during a somber mediation. One really reserved conservative short sleeve shirt tie wearing cat reported officemates think him looney as a goon for laughing out loud like a bleeding hyena, for no apparent reason.

We are honored to report that many of my friends acquired over the years are now considered nuts at the firm, because of my work, exponentially, the unfortunate result of my inability to reach commercial writing stardom and poor management.

This is not what I had in mind when I received my BA in Mass Communications, or my Community College lifetime Teaching Credential, but Hey, you play the cards that you are dealt, and don’t think the boss doesn’t know you are playing video solitaire, when he or she goes into the can with the New York Times every morning around 10am.

At least I don’t have to work in a cubicle, and can be writing this article dressed like Zorro, Booty Collins platform shoes on, half a moustache and Groucho glasses.

It’s funny that, my insult day keeps regular hours, emails stop coming around 4 pm, never any on weekends. There seems to be a flurry of activity between 2 and 3:30 most days but Friday. I don’t know how the office thing works, maybe it is the time when your boss is getting yelled at by the Executives because of your lack of productivity because you hate your job and that dork Carlos put you in a silly mood.

Each of us no matter how twisted has a gift to share with others. Some can encourage, others can help you get your financial hustle on, spiritual advisors, cultural liaisons, Love Doctors, the dude with all the mad hook ups, and the precious few who just listen.

Thanks for listening.

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