September 22, 2006

¡ASK A MEXICAN!

I am awestruck by the lack of anger from Mexicans for the Mexican government. Mexican leaders have forced Mexicans from their land. Mexico degrades its citizens like no other country in our hemisphere. The Mexican government and aristocrats despise the majority of Mexican people. The demonic lack of respect shown to Mexicans by Mexico should be shouted from the rooftops! Instead, all we hear is anti-American tripe from these new arrivals. Mexicans do not embrace the country that is their salvation. Pitiful lack of gratitude!

-Every Zeitgeist Levels Nimrods

Dear EZLN: Which Mexicans do you knock back Tecates with, EZLN? No Mexican I know—and I know more Mexicans than the Border Patrol—ever badmouths los Estados Unidos. Sure, most of them express a blind, chauvinistic nationalism for a homeland that screws them over again and again, but Mexican pride doesn’t translate into “anti-American tripe.”

But if you want Mexicans to trash their government, then I urge patience: you will get all the Mexican-against-Mexican anger you desire in 2010. That’s when the cycle of revolution will sweep across Mexico again, as it has during the same denary year for the past two centuries. Father Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla clanged the bells from his church in Dolores, Guanajuato, in 1810 to signal the start of Mexico’s War of Independence from Spain. One hundred years later, Francisco Madero provoked the Mexican Revolution with his Plan de San Luís Potosí, a call to arms against the dictatorship of General Porfirio Díaz.

Who knows what awaits Mexico in four years? But the Mexican can guarantee you two things, EZLN: it’ll be bloody, and even more Mexicans will stream across the border than in the previous two wars.

Dear Mexican: Whatever happened to the “lazy Mexican”? Now all I hear is that they’re taking our jobs.

-Ronnie Racist

Dear Gabacho: Isn’t that the stupidest paradox? Really: How can someone simultaneously be a yeoman and a layabout unless he’s Shaquille O’Neal? But accusing ethnics of being both is America’s most cherished immigrant insult. Every group felt its contradictory sting: Chinese (opium smokers or railroad coolies), Irish (drunks or ward bosses), Scandinavians (oafs or Vikings), Italians (slum dwellers or Mafiosi), Jews (rag-picking parasites or international bankers) and now Mexicans. The insult’s popularity draws its venom from our Puritan forefathers, who considered life outside of labor sin: it’s a miracle the phrase on Auschwitz’s gate, Arbeit Macht Frei (Work Brings Freedom), isn’t inscribed on the Capitol Dome. What’s strange, though, is how modern-day gabachos forgot the Protestant work ethic long ago; meanwhile, immigrants continue to pick up Max Weber’s flame without forgetting to enjoy life. Bested in both works and pleasure, gabachos seethe, grow fat and elect evangelicals—and don’t get me started about faith without works and its relationship to American sloth.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

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