October 27, 2006

¡ASK A MEXICAN!

What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America like a lot of people predict?

El Mex de Durango

Dear Wab: That’s the 64,000-peso question, Mex. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate into this country’s fabric just as previous immigrant groups did. I’m among the latter, and propose we’ll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We’ll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try—take over Mexico—and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then we’ll become too complacent and fat, and gaba-chos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs. Moral of the story? Protect your children’s future, gabachos—treat Mexicans well and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, they might just become Americans.

President George W. Bush wants Guatemala to have the next two-year term on the U.N. Security Council. Your thoughts on this nomination and what the world can expect should it happen would be appreciated.

Gabacho in Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Gabacho:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dear Readers: In my Oct. 12 column, I wrote that the United States “never had the decency to invade Mexico.” Of course, the U.S. has invaded Mexico—during the Mexican-American War and when General John Pershing unsuccessfully pursued Pancho Villa in 1915. What I meant to say was that the United States “never had the decency to occupy Mexico, install a puppet regime, then sit back as the natives slaughtered our boys and each other, while our true enemies bide their time somewhere in the tribal lands of Afghanistan and Pakistan.” My apologies.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

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